Gotanwanderer

The Destroyers - Where Has The Money Gone - 2010

2010-11-12T05:43:00.000-08:00

test

2010-11-08T20:45:00.001-08:00

crowned maiden

2008-11-12T10:11:00.001-08:00

I awake yesterday morning, as I have in the past, grasping to a thought, an impression, with vague awareness that gelled only long enough for me to provide the brief description I will attempt right here. There was a woman beautiful, but the details of her face are lost to waking awareness. Her hair was dark, it may have been long or short, it seems that it is likely it was dark with thick wavy curls. Her head was rounded by a gold band a crown that could have been a couple inches from top to bottom. There where clearly letter in the back, empty spaces had be cut out so that there could be. I have the impression of trying to read what was written there, and the words changing, being unfixed, and the word on this band could have been other words until it settled on the one that I remember it being. Which was Memory.

All these things we do

2008-10-27T18:29:00.000-07:00

the meanings we have yet to know, hoping they will plant the seeds of a greater understanding. Yeah that's just a poetic way of saying, here I am sitting here listening to a song in french. And does it even matter if I ever learn french, I don't really think so, the music is enjoyable. But it's true, I think there are so many things we do without realizing their meaning, or do they even have meaning, or perhaps the meaning will be filled in later, then we have the words to give meaning to the actions.

In the beginning he blogged

2008-10-22T09:20:00.000-07:00

okay well it wasn't actually be beginning, it was more like what 3 years ago, I'm not certain and I should probably check the dates really. Maintain the continuum and all that. Speaking of which, I have in mind an up and coming project that I may need help with. So if who knows me personally still periodically checks my blog, which I have not posted on in quite some time, please contact me regarding a biographical work I have in mind. So yeah it was a few years ago and I did blog semi regularly there for a while, partially out of boredom, I was working at Acute-Hell at the time, and was in from of a computer all day with very little to entertain myself beside the interweb, an occasional jigsaw puzzle or book. I spend a while working on the dimensions of perception projects, which was to random and chaotic to do much with but seems likely that I will be able to use some of the seeds in future developments. Some of the ideas, themes and theories I explored with that have grown and evolved for me as well, and I may even begin to explore some of them here. But for now I think I will post an update, a kinda where are you know. (now that I have sufficiently rambled)

So if you don't know me or if you do, here are the facts. My name is Zachariah, this year I turned 31 years of age, my son Michael turned 9 this year. I currently work 4 days a week in a retail outlet, putting milk eggs and cheese on the shelf. I also attend Lane Community College, where I have started working towards an Associate of Arts Transfer degree with this intent of perusing further degrees in the field of education. I say this tentatively as I am aware of how plans can change. My hobbies as of current, still include riding my bicycle, which I do less often now that I attend school and it is easier for me to hop on a bus. Reading, I just picked up Hunters of Dune, which is the first of two books that are to conclude the story written by Frank Herbert, his son Brian has written this book as well as a number of prequel books to the series. I am interested in the content, but because frustratingly disappointed at time with the lack of subtlety and nuance of the writing. For example, in this book there have been at least three references alluding to The Odyssey, Frank would have maybe thrown one in there and let you catch it if you did, whereas Brian seems to want to spell it out for you. Gar! Oh well like I said the content is interesting, and I may write further review of the novel at a later date. So, I am attending class at Lane 5 days a week, my classes include Tai Chi, Sociology, Electrical Theory 1, and Basic Communications. After this term I will have a total of 28 credits, 4 from Fall of 2002, and 12 from Spring 2007. This year will be the first year I go the full school year, and make school my primary focus. I was very excited when I learned that I have a bit over $7000 being given to me for the year for school. Other then that my life consists of social interaction with some people I've grown to cherish as much as learned to tolerate. I have a few friends that I carry out ongoing phone conversations with and that has been great. One thing I struggle with right now is that I don't get much sleep, which I am entirely aware is of my own doing. Oh yes, I know have a laptop, so I would like to get into the practice of blogging more frequently, I have a lot of thoughts that have been left internalized and that are ripe to be explored. Also wanting to decide of a medium for my spanning project, again I will need help with this one, so be prepared for a few questions regarding yours truly.

nusuth

dreams

2007-09-13T15:53:00.002-07:00

last night I dreamed that there were many people assembled in a theater, I was on stage with some others, and we where playing some game, I was chosen to be emperor of Rome, others on stage where my generals and other important roles. This seemed to be some sort of game, and we where elected or chosen to play these different parts. I got on stage and declared we should have a war, I would try to shout my ideas to the audience, but often my second in command standing next to me would yell out and between him and the responses I would be drowned out by noise....

another...
I was shrouded by what was a horrible cloak, it covered me and enveloped me in darkness, I had to find and work my way out from the inside, and finally I broke free, I mastered the horrible cloak and it was under my control. When I was out of it King Authur stood before he, he was my son, Michael, only older, and he was asking for my aide, for I was Merlin. Him has his Knight require access to a magical realm so they could do battle with the vile agents that presided in that realm. There was a portal, but they needed a bridge, so I laid my cloak down between the space of this realm and the other, and they used it as a bridge.

another...
swimming to find hot spring, monks guarded it, it was under water..

About Me

2007-09-13T15:09:00.000-07:00

Here are the facts as best I can relate them. Today is the day after Winesday, I got my first paycheck in a while and got my phone reconnected, and picked up a few other thing along with a bottle of wine yesterday and declared it to be wine's day. Fred Meyer had a Dancing Bull Merlot on sale, honestly not the best Merlot I've had to date. One I like in particular, thus far in my wine trying experiences, would be Trinity Oak, there Merlot was quite good, also Smoking Loon has a rather good Merlot as well. As you can guess, I like Merlots, that's just how it is. So about me....30 now, I spent my summer mostly unemployed, after a quite successful term out at Lane Community Collage. I took 3 classes, Math 90, Introduction to Sustainability, and Microcomputer hardware. I aced two of my classes, it took some work, and I successfully manages and A in my math class. Microcomputer hardware was relatively easy, the lab in particular involved doing a lot of things I already knew how to do. Taking apart computers and putting them back together is something I've done quite a bit. The one class I didn't get an A in, rather I got a pass, because I was unsure of how my grade would turn out, I opted for the pass/no pass, was Intro to Sustainability. I probably learned more in that class then either of the others. Its also gave me a chance to get involved with the campus garden project, and I spent a good deal of my time going out to the garden and lending a hand with planting, and harvesting. Unfortunately, as soon as summer hit, I let everything drop. I had intended to stay involved with the garden, but I also needed a job, and had no way to get out there. I spent a few week just playing WoW and watching SciFi. Now I'm finally working again, which is good, but I won't be able to make it back to school til Winter at the earliest. Summer's are hard for me, and I'm not trying to make an excuse, but they are, I miss the best summer of my life, all those things that I would love to do, go out and hike and ride. I was there once, and I had someone to share it with, and everything since has paled in comparison.

So, for the last few weeks I've been working, got a job through a temp agency, and I am working a company that setups events, mostly for the UoO football games. My first week was tough, moving tables setting up chairs, and doing a lot of heavy lifting, on my feet for a sizeable chuck of the day. This Tuesday I worked a 10 hour day, working with 3 other guys, just setting up tents the whole time. It was the first day since I started there, that I my feet didn't feel like they where on fire by the end of the day. My had ended up a bit raw and with a few blisters, but that was alright.
There are a couple of the guys that I'm working with that I really appreciate and that makes it easier. Lorenzo, this really nice hispanic guy I work with has invited me to a bbq at his place Saturday, and it should be a lot of fun. He like electronic music, and has asked me to bring some Chemical Brothers so he can make a copy.

I haven't had the money to obtain much new in the way of music, most recently I bought the new Modest Mouse and I listen to it a lot. Before that I has been listening to the lastest Beck album a good deal. And still pulling out a lot of the old stuff and relistening.

With my spare time, I have been reading a few things, manage to read a few Robert Anton Wilson novels over the summer. The Sex Magicians I found online and read in a day. Hey, it was about orgasm research, and orgies and....yeah, it was interesting. Before that I finished Maskes of the Illuminati, another great RAW novel...oh and I finally got through VALIS, PKD, and Lies Inc. Lies Inc, was a little more difficult because of the editing, which I found out reading the notes at the end, they reinserted a part that had been written later back into the original version of the story, so everything after the point where the main character is struck with an LSD dart, was not within the context of the original version. Which is what threw me off the first time I tried to read it. And I also finished Hard Boiled Wonderland, and The end of the World, that was a interesting read. Right now I'm just a bit more then have way through Tom Robin's Even Cowgirls get the Blues, a very fun, witty, and insightful novel, the author has a way of meandering along and letting the story unfold, so that your not so much interested in the story itself, yet still wondering what happens next, but even moreso just being carried along as he seems to be in the telling. Also working my way through a more philosophical tome relating some of the basic concepts of theurgical magic, Regardie's Tree of Life. A lot of the concepts there will likely require years of study to grasp.

Other then that my time is spend some outside, biking there for a bit, something I will always enjoy, but unfortunately my last bike was stolen. And also watching the Sci Fi channel. I've been doing my best to follow the new Dr Who series, as well as some of the other shows, PainKiller Jane, and the new Flash Gordon. I recently found all of the Dr Who online that I had missed, and even the ones that hadn't been released in the ststes yet and watched them. So I'm caught up thought the ended up the year, until the Christmas Special, they seems to be doing one of those every year with the new series. There was a rather interesting 3 episode story arc, involving The Master, not sure I like the way it played out, the brought him back only to kill him off. The did a good job of contrasting him with the Doctor, making him the Nemesis. He was a total sadistic meglomaniac. And it was the Doctor's role to oppose him and forgive him in the end. It was well done, just though bringing him back to kill him off in 3 episodes was a bit of a let down.

more to come..

Little ghost ...dream...

2007-07-01T08:15:00.000-07:00

they where closing down the shop...it was a building by itself in a field...I was browsing, and didn't realize until I looked up that you where there giving your fairwells to the owner...I walked out the door trying not to be noticed...you where outside getting on your bike...I was walking towards my bike and you where just beyond...I ran to catch up...and called after you..we embraced...forever and a day.

I got my Groove Salad back!

2007-05-24T00:32:00.000-07:00

Yep it's true folks, and I don't know how I lived without it. All it took was reestablishing that sacred connection via a cable modem, cleansing myself of the version of WinAmp that not functioning, removing any associated registry files. And reinstalling the latest incarnation of the Nullsoft Inc. Llama....and here I am once again enjoying the enlightened state of being and piece of mind that is SomaFM so I've got my Groove Salad,

Spring is here

2007-03-16T14:22:00.000-07:00

CAN you SMELL it?

E & A

2006-08-28T13:15:00.000-07:00

Artist: Eyedea & Abilities
Album: E&A
Title: Glass

I'm gonna run from the voice of reason 'till it turns to laughter
Against the masquerade like I don't believe in the morning after
the chronicles contain a few hidden chapters
Which keep our mirrors dirty, in case vanity backfires
a cold grin curtains hunger pains and eagerness
in one throw you could expose up my weaknesses
I'm putty in your hands kept my ways buried'in sand
until you learn to look through a window no one else can

oh charity, clarity, honesty excitement
the one with class, falsely accused, misconstrued
anger, sorrow, pact, machinary, decisions
collisions, instant gratification
thinking about you programed to destruct obstacles

What don't kill me, will just me crazier
I'm so filthy, sorry I had to see me like this
I sold you a lie that showed through my eyes
It told you to cry a stained glass suicide
They slowly chiseled down the walls we all hide behind
It's only time before your secrets become weakened headlines
But I'll be fine, suffocating on my own mask
I just wish I could forget how to read between the cracks

perceptive, unethical, digested tunnel vision
methadone, real diamond cut tested
resurrected perfected by well respected professionals
head doctor, head hunter, scratched the surface
lost somewhere, accepted own ability transparent open, curves...? [repeat 2X] I'm living in a world made of windows and mirrors This is safeguard covered crystallized tears giving out different images, same fears One day it's all gonna shatter, and I hope you're right here... see through my anxieties and insecurities rip out my insides put 'em on display, encaged, enraged and break the bottle that I've become, I run I jump I grow completely shattered fractured, captured glad I had the chance to be so helpless see through my 4 corner widow pane so plain and simple brain is crippled walking through a maze when did I decide to be an object to reflecet cruicified for my imperfections I answered every question peeling the tint off of my confession close your eyes if we can death to pride, lets begin I'm glass and its a dream and I don't miss a thing broken mirrors don't bring back nothing cherish image, how do I look any given day you can't kill me if you rebuild me you won't she won't he wont I gotta do it all alone again goodbye fled, no one ever said it was anythin in my head I'm dead everyone lies and lays on top of the point wipe my slate clean..?

2006-08-23T15:49:00.000-07:00

I shed one tear for that thing that I miss, that simple time, silent and close.

The Breeders - Divine Hammer

2006-08-23T15:25:00.000-07:00

Im just looking
Im just looking for
Just looking for a way around
Just looking for a way around
It disappears this near
It disappears this near
Youre the rod Im water
Youre the rod Im water
Im just looking for the divine hammer
Im just looking for the divine hammer

One divine hammer [2x]
One divine hammer

One divine hammer
Im just looking for one divine hammer

Id bang it all day
Im just looking for one divine hammer
Oh the carpenter goes bang
Id bang it all day
Bang bang
Oh the carpenter goes bang
Im just looking for the divine hammer
Bang bang

Im just looking for one divine hammer
One divine hammer [2x]

One divine hammer
Im just looking for a faith
One divine hammer
Waiting to be followed

It disappears this near
Im just looking for a faith
Youre the rod Im water
Waiting to be followed
Im just looking for one divine hammer
It disappears this near

Youre the rod Im water
One divine hammer
Im just looking for one divine hammer
Divine hammer

One divine hammer
One divine hammer
One divine hammer
One divine hammer
One divine hammer
One divine hammer

Now anyone want to get whacked upside the head?

quizzilla the nun

2006-08-04T14:01:00.000-07:00

Which Chinese Mythological Being Are You?

You are Xuan Wu!Mythological background: Because the turtle has a thick, solid shell that serves as protection - this animal is associated with stability. You enjoy intellectual pursuits. Also, in Feng Shui (the Chinese myths behind choosing a house), the black turtle's solidity is used to protect from cold northern winds.
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Animal Spirit Guides ~ Which One Calls To You?

Bear Spirit Calls To You ~ Bear is spirit keeper of the West, the place of darkness, maturity and good harvest. Bears are active during the night and day. This symbolizes its connection with solar energy, that of strength and power, and lunar energy, that of intuition. The bear holds the teachings of introspection. When it shows up in your life pay attention to how you think, act and interact.
Bear's Wisdom Includes:
*Introspection
*Healing
*Solitude
*Change
*Communication with Spirit
*Birth and rebirth
*Transformation
*Astral travel
*Creature of dreams, shamans and mystics
*Visionaries
*Defense and revenge
*Wisdom

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just another day in paradise

2006-08-03T15:08:00.000-07:00

It was August and the one thing that truely got to me was the winds,
the warm winds of July had turned to the cool winds of August. Which seemed somehow to be pushing against me no matter which direction I rode, always it was against the wind, which seemed to weight me down, like....well you know that feeling when your in a pool or stream and trying to run in the water, that sensation of added resistance, except with the wind the resistance is not fluid, but rather abbrasive....

I'm putting together a castle, a jigsaw puzzle of a castle, I've put together over half a dozen jigsaw puzzles at work...this is the first one in quite a few months, maybe this time all the pieces will be here...

I don't sleep much...when I do I dream...last night in my dream I was carrying around on my back a pack, then held...I believe it was possibly paint, of dream, and therefor having other qualities as well, it was in a pack that has a hose that led to a hand held nozzle-gun that I carried, some people in the dream where put off by my paint gun, and I did cover some people in colour....

so chapter one again, I've read chapter one, the thinker thinks and the prover proves....how do you change thoughts your own or others....affections, to be affected, I clutches at ideas, ego.....

SAPER AUDE....

"Lord -- what was it the barbarian said, as the riders vanished?"
Omnia mutantur, nihil interit...

It's only just a little bit, these things that remind me of earlier times, superficial, because the love the feeling the joy has nowhere to have gone, is nowever inside of me....

ideas to not come to conclusion in and of themselves...people come to conclusions base on how they choose to relate to the ideas, clutching at ideas......change is the only constant....fear is the little death...statis is entropy....evolution, metamorphisis, mutation is life...no thought of my own can tame....delight...and delerium....split sister of dream....not according to the book, or the hand, is the word the essense of man, but the essense of word, is dance my friends, or rather dance is a primative manifestation of ressonance, which from void and since void has always been...

you are heard, every breath every sound, breath in, breath out, and you have been changed, mutated, deviated, the directions is your choice, you are strong and beautiful, your noise is your own, protest loudly, dance, laugh at yourself or someone else will do it for you....

PSA: We're all going to die.....we're all going to DIE! I'm pissed, that's not fair, I don't want to die!

the worst of me is disaffection, passionless and appathetic....the best of me wants you to know the best of you, because I am affected, troubled, stirred up, turned on. That may seem crude if taken in a purely sexual context, but I want to be turned on....that was one of those front porch drinking conversation realizations that I kept to myself at the time, but it's the truth of the matter, if this is it, and yet is has to be other then this, then let this, as it is, be stimulating, let them shake rattle and role, vibration, potential energy, aggitate, catalyst.....

do you know what makes popcorn pop, yes, there is air in the kernel, but it's the moisture inside the kernel that expands with heated...

Should I hold on to my memories, should I hang on to every tear, should I pretend not to know you, pretend I'm not here, there something right here.....I ride to center and am split from there, torn, to render, legal tender, sew and mend your flesh, your friends, dear, hear, and even if it's only just one tear, even if there is no one near, there's a voice whisering in your ear...there is love all around you and you are loved.

If the glass is full
drink up, drink up
this may be the last time I see this cup.
If God wanted us sober
he'd knock the glass over
so while its full
we drink up.
-Jason Webley, "The Drinking Song"
I personally attribute this quote to my dear friend, and fellow piscean, the Reverand Dan, the man, Manzano.

Don't let me get to deep...

2006-08-01T17:49:00.000-07:00

So here I am trying not to nod my head as coworkers walk by, but I think this song is where it's at...one of those songs I can completely forget about for a year and then it will be playing somewhere....much like Tom's Diner, k'mon folks you know what I'm talking about. This some to me reaffirms my place in the universe, reminds me that, yes, I may slide back and forth between with-if-evers, but there is a this-iverse, where I belong...Don't let me get to deep...

EDDIE BRICKELL & NEW BOHEMIANS What I Am

I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know if you know what I mean

Philosophy is the talk on a cereal box
Religion is the smile on a dog

I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know if you know what I mean

Choke me in the shallow water
Before I get too deep

What I am is what I am are you what you are or what?

I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know if you know what I mean

Philosophy is a walk on slippery rocks
Religion is a light in the fog

I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know if you know what I mean

Choke me in the shallow water
Before I get to deep

What I am is what I am are you what you are or what?

Don't let me get too deep
Don't let me get too deep...

dreams

2006-07-25T16:06:00.000-07:00

Decided that I could not possibly drink alcohol last night, I bought a bottle of merlot, and some breakfast stuffs from the store, came home did some dishes made a grilled cheese sandwhich and went to bed around 11...well I woke up at 4 or after 2 very vivid dream....one dream was more visual and I remember the images where a piece of paper being filled in like a black at white graphic novel, the story was about a girl growing up and the boxes filled where filled box by box, until it ended...the next dream my vision was blurred and I was in a room surrounded by people talking to and about me...they where going to do something to me for me...or I had some task...that involved possibly death, and certianly I was to be rend apart...mentally perhaps....there was speak of two parts that where disconnected and had to be seperated and brought back together....the faces I saw looked like to possibly, I guess at this, to be pre-colonial European...several had curls in their hair...and the impression I have now is that I may have been in a tavern or pub...

After waking around 4 I did not sleep for hours afterwards..move up drank some water and lay back down and entered a meditative breathing and streched...shifting position quite frequently...must have fell back to sleep cause I felt quite rested when I woke up sometime between 7 and 8 this morning.

Argh

2006-07-25T15:46:00.000-07:00

ahhoy all he land lubbers, been a pirate all weekend this friday morning went we went out to SeaDog, what an interesting.....staggeringly good time...first day help setup with the Orc's Belly Bar, that took most of the day, and I hit the Rum hard that evening, so hard that recollecting that I made it back to the Orc's Belly was made more clear with photo evidence, and luckily I had friend who where able to drag me back to my tent, apparently I got quite philosophical about being helped to walk....walking is so moving' where the words recanted to me by Tom....woke in my tent later that evening...early morning perhaps to converse with the Voyeur encampment, and we where soon offered invite to Castilion fleet, real pirates, at least more experienced....I later ecorted a lady and a pirate back to her tent...that was day one, the next day was recovering and visiting the swimming hole, ahhh....topless sun bathing....that evening I woke up in orcs belly alone after passing out without seeing much of the topless knife fight....there are bits here and there I'm still piecing together....took me a while to get into it, and some of it was strange, by the time I got back sunday night I felt like a pirate....now where are the wenches....have to say my skills at wenching need improving....monday 10 hours of work seems strange, to be inside so long.....wierd....fell into broken speech and accents most of the day...and really wanted to get up and go to the river...

I want you to find happiness.....

2006-07-19T11:14:00.000-07:00

when I start to have these realizations that I'm just getting by, that I haven't been happy in a while. Then I remember, I was happy, I know what makes me happy.....
I was standing on my front porch smoking a cigarette and trying not to think to much about the things I cannot change, because I don't have a solution, don't have the words right now, and would rather not say the wrong thing...I digress, where she was smiling back through the neighbors window, dark hair, raised eyebrow, that 'I know something you don't know' smile....oh my goddess, sweet agent of chaos in it's purest and most beautiful form....had to walk to get Empire Chinese Buffet out of Franklin, walked from the bus stop at the University, it was just a bit after 5, and I was late already, I had only a few dollars and wasn't going to spend $10 on buffet, so I drank water and listened engaged in conversation with the guys....John's farewell dinner...much of the conversation was beyond my scope, DPS ratios in WoW, what can I say just not that interested...John is going to Virgina to live with Dan and work on a programming project, something to do with creating an algorithm to indentify MP3s, likely for some purely evil purpose, but they are paying him LOTS of money, and that works for John....so we all got fortune cookies, and mine read something along the line of...Joy is not what you get, but what you give.....and the game was to and the words 'in bed' and the end...that works...definately. I've been in this slump for feels like a couple month, there are moments, but it's not like it was....I want to share it I want someone to share it with, I enjoy doing things for others, but after a while the cup is empty, and I get selfish, and close of to the world, waiting for something to happen, and there I have been....and so I'm outside on the porch smoking my cigarette, she's still smiling at me, her face big and bright, her dark eyebrow raised, yes she knows what it's all about....

I saved a Dragonfly today....it had clear wings with black spots and was caught on it's back on the pavement...it look incapacitated, but once I slipped a piece of paper under it, flipped him over and put him in the shade, and off he zipped....boom bip...move aside....let the man go....through

Changed Man and the Queen of Wands

2006-07-12T15:56:00.000-07:00

abstract:
We are all just playing parts in a story, are some of these role inevitable, can any of it be foretold, if you could know the future, would you want to, is any of this misery and heartache of life unavoidable, Who is the Queen of wAnds, how can we be certain of the role we play in anyone's life?

speculation:
Could she be one of the lovely daughters of Themis, or mayhap of Mnemosyne.

current events:
I recently finished reading an amazing short story by Orson Scott Card, entitled The Changed Man and the King of Words, this was from a collection of 4 volumes of short stories, entitled Maps in the Mirror. Volume one, where this story can be found, is The Hanged Man, tales of dread. There is another story in this collection about a man who blows his head off, and this continues to write a letter explaining how he had decided upon such action as a means to end the cold war between and lack of passion in his relationship. What can you say to that, there are a lot of more interestingly self destructive actions, I'm sure I would take first before blowing my brains out personally, then again, I've been there and really if it's not working for you find what does, haven't watched my parent in an abusive relationship, I've come to believe that if it isn't working move on. Not that I'm one to give relationship advice at this point.......Okay, punctual, really....The Change Man and the King of Words....Story is about a couple who finds out that the wife is pregnant, but was advised by her doctor that she would not come to term and should abort the child, else he would be underdeveloped and have several health and mental defects....Well, being a very stubborn woman she refuses....Child is born....Not only is he healthy both mentally and physically, but he's a genius, learning to read and crawl well beyond average (bear in mind same guy who wrote Ender's Game, child genius is a recurring theme with Card). This child develops a love for stories, whenever there was a book in the house he would insist upon his parents reading it to him, not only that, but he wanted to act out the stories, and his parents would became his cast, and he would direct and act is these story plays. After years of his father had enough, a man of science, a king of words, he refused to act is his sons play, and focus his time on work, manipulating DNA, he was a biochemist. The son and his mother continued the plays and as he grew older he absorbed a vast array of stories. The father thought the acting had stopped, but it continued with a game where they would throw in quote or refeances to the stories in their daily conversation. The boy and the father grew apart, the father as a gesture, bought the boy this Tarot deck he was looking at while they where shopping one day. And the boy became obsessed with making a computer program that would aid him in reading the cards, he redesigned many of the cards, realizing that the faces on the card where the faces from all the stories he knew so well, from characters of Shakespear plays to those of Greek mythology. Well that's as much of Card's story that I am going to tell, if your curious, you should read it.

So after reading this story, I was reminded that I have a tarot deck, and some understanding of the interpretation of the cards, I still consult the book it came with, and other books that I have for definitions of cards, and I find that the meanings are vague and give a lot of room, well, to make it up, to make a story out of the way the card some together in front of you. I've come to see the cards as a way to look at your story of where you are in life, a method of reflection. Since I finished that reading Card's Changed Man, layout down 3 Celtic cross spreads for myself, and had a friend lay down a similar spread, and this morning I did a past present future spread. The cards have told me many things, past pains, control, strength, love, insecurity, and a willingness to heal. A lot of what I got out of the cards I need to center to find the still place within myself and let go.
Now with all that, the one things that has been consistent is all 5 reading, is one card, the Queen of Wands, well she wasn't in the past present or future position of the spread I did this morning, but when I decided to pull another card, there she was smiling back at me.

Queen of Wands: Attractive Wholehearted Energetic Cheerful and self-assured
another description: she is a lovely country woman who is gracious and kind.

'In readings, the Queen of Wands asks you to think and feel as she does. For example: Do you feel attractive? Do you believe in yourself? Are you full of energy? Can you shake off the blues? Are you gung ho about life?'

Good question, am I, somewhere along the way I lost faith, faith in myself, what was at my core, who I was, and what I am capable of, and so I gave in to a preset condition of enduring, I'm good at enduring, I'm really good at enduring, going along with it, not rocking the boat, until I realize it doesn't work. I've felt the need to pretend most of to be something other most of my life. This post right here would assure my spot in Hades according to the belief of my grandparents. Being devote bible christians of the cult of judgemental christianity, the world is full of sinners, we feel better knowing we are loved by god, we will be saved. My parents are still very christian as well, and I try not to push the issue with my mother too much, and maybe oneday when I do have a conversation with my father prehaps I'll bring it up. Guess what Dad, your hypocritical practice of Christianity made me curious enough to explore other belief systems, some of it a bit of that new-age occult philosophy, much of it I find laughable now....many belief systems become quite laughable with enough perspective. Piers Anthony's Tarot trilogy stick out in my mind, a fictional story that follows through the suits of the major arcana, and proposes that tarot is the origin of playing card and was used to teach spiritual truths and hid their teaching from the Catholic Church which wanted to maintain dominance through keeping the population ignorant. Tarot and astrology where a part of that teenage rebellion against the belief system that was imposed on me, and has had an impact of me forming my own beliefs, something I'm still exploring. I'd had the fortune of being introduced to Joseph Campbell and comparative religion, myth, and also being intoduced to Taoism which is to be beautifully poetic.

I'm so tired of playing

2006-07-01T22:54:00.000-07:00

I can't mold this stage anymore
recognize me anymore
to tread this fantasy
openly
what have I done
oh this uncertianty is taken me over

It's all over.....yeah....over....

It's not one of those pointlessly silly myspace quizes.....

2006-06-29T17:44:00.000-07:00

The idea came from:
A New Fork In The Journey: My Favorite Kind of Meme
The rules (again directly from afore mentioned blog):
The idea is that you answer all the questions by typing your answer into Google Image search and post the answer in the form of an image that comes up. For poetic license we’ll say you can choose from the first 10 results but the idea is, of course, to work with the randomness of the responses.

1.What makes you happy?

2.What are you most ashamed of in yourself?

3.Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

4.What is the first thing you remember?

5.What has gotten you through your darkest hour?

6.What did your parents' house smell like?

7.What is one word that you use far too often?

8.One word you associate with your best kept secret:

9.One word describing a recurrent theme in your dreams:

10.What disgusts you most in others?

11.One word that describes your first lover:

12. (and because I have to always add to any meme I play) One word that describes your current (or last) lover:

I want this shirt!

2006-06-16T12:53:00.000-07:00

Engrish

2006-06-14T12:18:00.000-07:00

Thinking maybe it's time for another blog post, it's been a while, have been very busy resettling into the house. That's right folks, living in a nice 4 bedroom house, have a very cool housemate, Vanessa, Mike the other roommate just moved out and I've going to take over his room, the upstairs loft, it's two rooms, a bedroom with a half bath, and another room with built in shelf and storage space, bookshelves built into the opposite sides of the stairs as you come up them, and enought room for my computer desk. We've got a nice garden, backyard, big kitchen and garage. The house is being remolded and is set to be sold sometime next summer, so I should have a good year here, time enought to get some debts paid down, and enjoy the niceties of house living. Feeling a bit up in the air about a lot of aspects of my life, so much has changed this here and I'm anxious to get to a point of some stability, which I'm sure once I'm settled here will happen. I've got plans and I'm trying to focus on making them happen, going back to school in the Fall, brewing beer over the summer, and getting out and going some hiking and camping, maybe even finding myself eventualy is some sort of stable relationship. Not sure how any of this is going to happen, so I am trying to focus myself on the day to day week to week goals. Trying to be more accepting of myself and my faults and not let myself get caught up in some of the expectation/disappointment cycles that I dealt with the last few years. My main hobbies at the moment has been Photography, would very much like to get back into watching movies and roleplaying, reading and drawing. Looking forward to playing more Twilight Imperium, and have a couple of photoblogs that I want to get posted for example: Twilight Gaming. A big goal for me also will be to get my financial situation more stable, establish a budget, also looking for other employment, will be putting in a few applications this week, places like the library and post office, places with less hours and more pay. I'm making a lot of friends these days, and hope that I can get to a point where I have some really close friends again, my closest friends right now would be Dan and Vanessa, and the house. Shorty, Vanessa's cat has been at times less then friendly towards Butterum, I woke up Sunday morning hearing them hissing and hollering...Shorty had chased Butterrum into the Attic, where she managed to hide under some floorboards, another reason I want to get upstairs into the loft, so Butterrum will have her own space, and won't antagonize Shorty by being so cute. I totally freaked that Sunday was sure Butterrum was being murderized by Shorty and there was nothing I could do about it, I managed to crawl back behind some air vents just enought so see Shorty camping out by the floorboards where BR had managed to get out of reach. I tried everything from yelling at the cat to pleading to the animal, to no avail. Butterrum came out unscathed, fortunately. Have to say, what that cat has in cuteness she lacks in the animal equivilant to common sense, I'm sure the fight started because she was eating the other cat's food, totally oblivious to what was Shorty's territory. At this point, I am ready to get a puppy, maybe a lab or lab mix, a male and I want to name him Idris. It's an idea, not ready to get rid of the cat....well maybe if I found someone who would give her more attention, she would be a good cat for someone who had more time to give all the attention she wants.

One word at a time: Media

2006-05-19T08:12:00.000-07:00

filter, stop gap, mediate,

Cinco De Mayo

2006-05-05T10:39:00.000-07:00

Cinco de Mayo.
Blow out, denial.
It wasn't fun this time, letting you go.
What if I never, a bullet forever,
Held out my hand to you, we wouldn't have known
Beautiful flow,
Absolute measure, I ain't no pleasure hound
Bus' out of control, plowing the road.
Out on a bender, just Alice falling down
A deepening hole.
I'd never been to Rome until you smiled.
You're about as old and piled.
I used to pray for snow...
Now I just wonder what spell I was under,
Thinking you thought of me as
Something to hold.
I'd never been to Rome until you smiled.
You're about as old and piled.
Cinco de Mayo.
Burn-out, Ohio.
It wasn't me this time, letting you go.
-Liz Phair

It was around 1995 when I moved up to Oregon to live on the hill, with my grandparents, I came up with something pretty much the tape collection I still have, although it's likely that a few have wondered off between then and now. A bunch of They might be giants, R.E.M.,Depeche Mode, Nine Inch Nails and well to get to the point, this one one of them. And one of those tape that I played over and over, good 'chick rock', have always had an appreciation for the intelligent, angsty, and often with a raw honesty. Julianna Hatfield, Ani Defranco, Sarah Mclaughlin even although she is more wispy, and her later stuff has gotten way to sappy for me, it's all about Solace for me......Into the Fire....Amazing video if you ever get the chance to see it, Sarah running around in vibrate woods covered in nothing but mud, oh yeah! And of course there's Tori Amos, who is the earthly manifestation of goddessness. Much of the music I was into around that time, the early nineties, would have been influenced by what I was on 120 Minutes: You can walk backwards into the future. I'm fairly certain that's where I saw the video for Supernova, and decided I had to have this album.

Well it's Cinco De Mayo, and just about every year since, that mid 90s summer where I found myself pretty much alone on top of a hill listen this album, and it seems like this song pops back in my head on well Cinco De Mayo, imagine that. Too bad Liz Phair has become a sold out tool of nasty pop crappiness, cause she used to be great, this album is great.

[P.S. Note to self, now that I'm thinking about that summer: Jimi Hendricks - Electric Lady Land, must have on CD, I wore out the tape]

Lifehacker

2006-05-02T13:49:00.000-07:00

Okay time to write something....

2006-04-26T14:59:00.000-07:00

cause yep, I've been slacking on posting. So it's about time to get some words down where. Yes there are more LAN party pics that I want to get posted, at this point, I'm considering starting, yet another blog, just for photos. I've been really enjoying the new digital camera and very happy with how the photos have turned out. Also there are Twilight Imperium photos to put up. So what's new, everything, just about. Not quite, but just about. I started of the year with the determination that this would be the year, where some came together, where the path started to open up again. So I set out to get back to school, get into a house, get more organized and stop headtripping about all the things I could should do with my life. So that's where I put my energy, I took action, I got my financial aide applied for, I got copies of my credit report, got myself a camera, then a bike, I socialized, expanding my understanding of community and how I relate to it. And yeah for a while there I just drifted, but already I've spend a lot less time feeling lonely and unsatisfied with my life, aimless, driftless, or like I'm not meeting my potential.

So here we are now, I'm on track to going back to school in the Fall...Just have to send them some tax information, and pay back some debt. I just got contact lenses, and WOW, they are nice, althought I managed to loose one of them the other night, so I'll have to wait til payday to get my stock of them. And I'm moving into a house in 3 weeks. Which means has been on my to do list for quite some time. I've like living alone for the past few years, but only to a point. And when I met my good buddy Dan, we talked about the potential of being roommates. He's been up here from Ashland for less then a year, and was living with his girlfriend when I met him, a fellow piscean with an similar philosophical, magical view of the world, and I have found many of our conversations to be inspiring, and Vanessa is just as cool, more of a scientific mind, also great to talk to about whatever. Dan had been going on and on about Twilight Imperium, you've gotta play this game. So first time we play I show up at Dan's 8:30pm or so, and we where up till at least 4am, and yeah, you've gotta play this game. Tom can tell you, he went out and bought the game after his first time playing. So we didn't play last friday, it would have been the friday before when Vanessa asked me if I was interested in moving into the house. And my first response was no. Which was more based on the previous roommates, who seemed alright, just young, still in that party every night mode. But then I thought about it, and the idea started to grow in my head, like wait, this is what you have been looking for, a house a place to start brewing beer and garden and a kitchen...
And then I had a dream, it was friday, I had taken that Thurday and Friday off to go on a day hike down in Grove, it was a lovely day, well in the dream I was talking to Dan at a wooden park bench, and then Vanessa walked over and told me to call her, today, before the game. Alright, so I did, and I told her I was giving more thought to the house, and we talked some more, and walked over there to look at the house, and what will be my room. YEAH! I'm excited!

So I'll leave it at that for now, look out for a photo blog here soon. But probably not until I'm all packed and relocated. And I'll have space for other creative project and persuits, yippie!

Schadenfreude Interactive Presents Accordian Hero

2006-03-18T22:47:00.000-08:00

Now I haven't had a chance to play it, but I've heard tale of those who have spent hours, possibly days playing Guitar Hero.

It's apparently quite a craze these day, following the interactive game phenomenon and the success of D.D.R.

I know many who have professed to have had enjoyable experiences with both games, and even lost a little weight playing D.D.R.

Well, Schadenfreude Interactive has a game we can really get worked up about......
ACCORDIAN HERO

p.s. also check out other S.I. selections such as NAZGUL THUNDER, CTHULHU KARTS, and GRAND THEFT OTTOMAN by clicking the title link.

part six

2006-03-17T20:51:00.000-08:00

Part 5

2006-03-17T20:44:00.000-08:00

part 4

2006-03-17T20:43:00.000-08:00

Lan Party pics 3

2006-03-17T20:39:00.000-08:00

Lan Party Pics set dues

2006-03-17T20:37:00.000-08:00

Lan Party pics set one

2006-03-16T21:24:00.000-08:00

a dream

2006-03-07T10:39:00.000-08:00

Well, started listening to Ender's Shadow on audiobook last night, the side story to Ender's Game, from the perspective of Bean, a couple chapters into it so far and enjoying it. Also, had quite a strange dream last night. I was in some sort of competition, it was me and someone else and we where on these wooden stairs, they where quite a bit worn and seened to accend from nowhere. The competition involved taking turns confronting someone who was prepared in a stance and we had to knock them to the ground using differing type of moves, such and raising a knee and pushing from the other direction so the opponent would fall over our knee. We where taking turns until we completed each challenge. I kept getting to a particular opponent who I was unable to unearth. Another element of the dream involved pools of ice cold water, there was a large metal bowl and I was going to fill in in this pool, which seemed to be water and urine and ice. I stuck the bowl in and let it sink to the bottom.

Fall, 1996 continued.

2006-02-01T15:43:00.000-08:00

Okay here is another one, in this case the editing was less substantial. This piece I would like to come back to and add a bit at some point, maybe in another decade.

I see myself at dusk, beside a peaceful lake and know that there is wonder in the world. The lake breathes. The twilight stars glowing down from the sky reveal a truer reflection of self upon the waters. A soft breeze is felt on my back more then heard, and I am aware of being alone beside this silent water. There is a silent strength found in the solitude of this place. There is a feeling of being a part of this place, a peaceful tranquility that flows into me as the water flows into itself. Alone, but not loneliness here, rather a certain joy of being a part of the natural world, the wind, the water, and everything that is swimming through it, is a part of me, and I am a part of it.

I see myself at dusk, beside a peaceful lake, and know that I can make all my dreams come true, I am assured of this. I see myself as few can see me, not from the outside in, but from the inside looking out, with the realization that all that around me is a part of what I am. I feel, think, breathe, speak, and am aware how simple all these things are, realize my own simplicity. The water moves flows with the same fluid motion that carried thoughts, and the wind is the same breathe that fills my lungs, that carries it across my vocal cords as I speak.

I see myself at dusk, beside a peaceful lake, and itÂs about time to jump in, dive deep into the currents and be carried away by the tide. To be moved by waters that been flowing far longer then I have the capacity to conceive of.

I see myself at dusk, beside a peaceful lake, looking out into the sky, searching for the stars I've wished upon for years, thinking of all the wishes that have come true, and laughing at the foolishness of many of them

Fall, 1996

2006-01-31T16:05:00.000-08:00

The following is an edit of a piece I wrote for my writing 121 class in fall of 1996, I may be posting a few of these in the weeks to come.

I finally close my eyes and let sleep overtake me. As I count numbers off in my head and regulate my breathing pattern and heartbeat so that they get slower and I start to think about them less and less. I have replaced this system with active visualization, focusing on the that point in the center of my forehead, laying flat usually with my hands on my chest, taking slow deep breathes. This seems to induce visualization which allows me to fall easily into sleep. Slowly my subconscious takes over and a myriad of images play in my mind. These images shift rapidly some more vivid, some discernable, some more a blur of visual data. For awhile I have some control over these images, although this control is easily lost as the images shift and reform. I see this and the doorway to the world of sleep the dream place, and find myself more rested when allow myself to visually drift into dreaming. This is the play we all go to unravel the ancient mystery of self, that in played out in dreaming. This is a place more powerful and mysterious then the waking mind of the day can fathom, and in turn the language of the dream world with is formulas, formations with subjective and objecting contextually blurred when trying to translate the information into waking consciousness. There is a sense of loss, signal degradation, an inability to translate all the information, sometimes the information seems to slowly fade from my awareness. Others there is just a ghost recognition of something that was there and is now gone. In deep sleep and dreaming we have more access to the secrets we keep from ourselves, allowing us to function within the minimal requirements of the waking world. Of the small fraction of dreamtime data I’ve manage to bring back with me into the waking mind, some of it has been inspiring, some confusing, some very insightful. Some dreams seem to be reminders of past failures, other motivating, and some even seem to be filled with the awe of a mystery of self that is just too much to put into worlds.

2006

2006-01-30T14:34:00.000-08:00

Well here we go, another year has begun according to the standerd calendar. I tend to think of the year actually begining in spring, and everything in between is just building up the momentun for the new year. Well, I've got my taxes completed, not yet file, but the forms are done, and finished my 2006-2007 FAFSA, this is the first year in quite some time where I'm just been on it, didn't really think about it, it's just done, now I have to figure out how to pay back LCC the $400 I owe them from last summer and then the intention is to start back in fall. The theme for this year for me will be release, simplification, getting rid of or letting go of excess clutter. Most of you may have noticed, I got rid of a lot of weight of the top of my head, good start if you ask me. So from here I'm waiting for a tax return, so I can get new glasses, going to get rid of a bunch of old books and clothes, and start sorting through the random stuff I have in closets, like computer parts and random electronics, if anyone wants a 800 meg hard drive, I'm probably got a sitting around. Its felt for quite some time that a lot of my struggle with self motivation has been organization, and a lot of good advice I've recieved has been minimalize...so that's the goal for 2006, get rid of stuff that does not all to my life, and replace with stuff that is more efficient, or amiable to my goals. Another month will bring me to the 2 year mark of the end of my last long term relationship, the death of my grandmother and my 27th birthday, all 3 of these things happened within a matter of 2 days, or at least the fulcrum of those events was centered around a mere 48 hours. Relationships don't just end overnight, and my grandmother was in the hospital for a few weeks before she went in for the surgery from which she did not come out. These events and others that where already in motion, led me to a lot of self questioning, and grasping at some understanding of who I was where I was going and what I wanted out of life, can't say I have any answers just yet but I certianly feel that the only place to go from here is forward, that you can't get so caught up in your exceptations of how things should be in fact you are better off to let go of them and let it be. There have been lows and there have been highs, moments that I will never forget. The truth of it is that you just have to live it the best you can, because you can't be prepared for the twists and turns you meet along the way. I just try to live by the rules that I'm making up as I go, being kind to my neighbor, keeping in mind those that have been kind to me, and letting go of those patterns of behaviour that leave me unsatisfied.

Paypal Test

2005-12-26T12:47:00.000-08:00

Well here's a nice little link you can click if you want to pay me $20.00 to chant your name for 5 minutes, or whatever, it's just a test, but hey if you want to send me money, I'm not going to object.

Missing Butterrum

2005-12-26T10:25:00.000-08:00

So, looks like my cat decided to run off last night, I was doing laundry and visiting with a neighbor, left the door open as I often do, she's quite good about knowing her boundries, but guess you can't rely on that. It just seems so strange, her to be gone, and I don't know if she's come back, but she's certianly not equipped to be an outdoor cat, being that the tendons on her front claws where sliced surgically, so that she would not be able to claw at much of anything. I have to say I can only imagine the verbal lashing I would receive from T found out. Obviously this represents a lack of responsiblity on my part, and yes I can understand that point of view. How am I going to take time to debate my perception of someone else's judgements, which could only really be my own, perceive, at this point. Appearently so, well I have to admit, I have been less attentive of the kitty, pushing her away, she's very demanding of attention at times. I just tend to take the, it's for the best, but then again there are raccoons out there, and if my poor kitty has been mauled to death, well it will be my fault. But I don't really think there is much I can do at this point. The irony is that the landlord had just posted a sign stating pets are allowed with a $100 deposit. After the just sorta blah Christmas, having my cat run, well was just as off as the rest of it. I spent time with my Mom, she was glad for the company, but I had to hear a lot of the same old from her, she's not happy where she's at, and any suggestion I offer seems to be not helpful. Saw Michael for a bit over at my mom's, as usual at Amanda's conveniece. I did get to speak with my sister Sarah, and here fragments of gossip about the others from my mom, I'm hardly quite sure what she's talking about anymore, It would be great if Sarah could move up here and look after her a bit. So my cat is missing, either she'll come back or she won't. Not really getting my hopes up at this point, I'll ask the neighbors what they saw when I get home, and see where it goes from there.

last night's dream

2005-12-23T11:06:00.000-08:00

I was standing on the bridge over the river that run along Alton Baker park. The bridge was busy with foot traffic, and there she was, my summer girl, I was looking out over the river when she came up to me, I asked her how she had been, it has been a while, and she told me things where well, she informed be that her doctors had refered her to doctors in Mexico, that she and her boyfriend had to go down there for some tests. I held her hand briefly and she walked away, and I went back to staring out at the river.

Time again for the golden sunset

2005-12-15T11:35:00.000-08:00

Well, running on sleep deprivation, caffination, agitation. Winter grumbles... I want to get out and see something other then the clutter of my apartment, and work...this freezing fog has exaggerated the perception of having two worlds, day time work day world, and the go home and distract myself from my woes world. Some day I really enjoy it, other are blatantly self destructive, staying up late, drinking in excess, not eating enough, or the right things. Things have been good though. Michelle is here, and it's great to see her, nice to have someone around that I know what to expect from, who is stable in her instability, I am sure that living with her in close quarters that we will irritate each other a bit, but we have this way just picking on each other a bit and then forgetting our irritations, I've lived with her before and that's why it worked, and the fact that she spends a number of nights a week out at her boyfriends house helps, a good understanding that I need my space, and so does she, now if she gets a job soon we can look at getting into a house. This past year has been unlike any other, it was rough, but not as rough as the year before. Ever since my grandparents past away, and I ended my relationship with T, I have been in a state of reevaluation, life, love, death, sex, family, self...and at time realizing a little to caught up in the self. Been working on my understanding of concepts of how people relate to each other in the community. I'm met many new people this past year and even the year before. My friend Amy, the hostess with the mostest, a lovely young lady who knows she and how to sparkle and tease, and maintain a levelheaded approach to life. We have had many sit down conversations, mostly she's been a real assest for a girls opinion. Also met some great people where I live my friend Alex, a composer/producer of experimental beats a musical genius, and a beautiful person, who I've seen struggle through some personal issues, and I have hopes that this coming year be better for him and his family. There has also been my troubled friendship with Dom, someone who has been there for me, to put me in my place, but a lot of our friendship has been a battle and as much as I love and respect as an artist and friend, we've struggled to show each other the respect that both of us deserve. One of the most wonderful things of things of this past year has been this girl who's name I will not mention, who company has brought me such peace and ease of mind, who's love was felt in every moment I was near here, who has also brought me heartache. We where involved for months before she revealed that she still loved another and was still involved with this other person, and finally I had to let go of something that felt so right but was not. I still miss her terribly and will think fondly of this last summer and the time we had, sometime you can help who you love, and it means more then just what comes easily. I also met my NinKas, Shanna, with whom I experience the meaning of reciprical, an intellectual beauty and natural sweetness of soul, my rodeo girl from up north, woo hoo. This year T, the ex finally proved that she's the biggest bitch that I ever hope to meet, what what I thinking, there's more to life then good sex, and it's certianly not worth having to bend over backwards for a control freak, that's for sure. Fuck compromising for anyone elses psychosis, mine will do fine thanks and move along. The good thing that came out of that relationship was making friends with some friends of hers who have greatly influenced me and show me love, and who's suggestion, reading material, and exposure to music has been overwhelming wonderful. This certianly has been the most social year of my life, I've met too many people to name, so of this good some of it trying, I've seen people get arrested outside my doorway, I've seen bands, played pool, taken photos, drawn, written, spent not nearly enough time with my son, too much time drinking, had some great converstation, and well lived. This last week it's been a lot of going out with Michelle, and getting a new experience of this town which is really starting to be my home. Freya introduced me to Dan who introduced me to TransMet, which I am really enjoying soaking up the bastard cynicism of Spider Jerusalem, a great anti-hero, in his search for the truth. Also my ex wife has decided to remarry, had the chance to give her my honest, yet respectful, opinion of her fiance, who is a nice guy, and my only concern was as hard as he trys he's a bit slow, then again that works for her. I thought about it today, and I know a lot of my friend question why I married Amanda, and I've given a few reasons, some less sincere then others, but she really has some qualities that I certianly respect, she fights hard for something when she thinks it's possible, and she can be very understanding and compassionate. She's tough, and so is my son, fortunately he's got his father's charm, and his mother's stubburnness, and he's a Leo. Well I guess this whole post ended up being a recap, where I'm at, end of the year stuff, there's more there always is, but it will be, and maybe I'll write about some of it....I've for quite some time, the end of the year in the term of the death of the old sun, and the new year bringing a new sun, with new opprotunities, I can only guess what they will be, I would like see some reintegration, projects and people coming together, some of my old friend meeting some of the newer ones, and a moving forward from some of the self imposed chains....all in good time.

more tales of the winter city

2005-12-14T15:12:00.000-08:00

This town has been cover in a fog for weeks now, sun blocked from sight, and thin sheets of ice in patchs on the street. Meetings took place late in the evening in the bars and pool halls all over town. Bar stools and beer, pool shots pass, handshakes and smoke breaks, and it's all known, that the world is crumbling around us, and I can't say I'm the only one who say it coming. So I'm writing in my journal, and not even sure if I where to show anyone the word if they would be the same as the ones I wrote. My life has become grammaticly incorrect, I mutter to myself, as I take a healthy chug of cheap beer before walking over to the pool table to take my shot. I'm playing agaist a young jedi I recently met who's skill and knowledge of the table are quite impressive. We've taken the conversation of lucid dreaming and experiencing the silet sound that sings to us all. Freezing fog, and I'm calling for rain, tonight will be dedicated to rain songs, hopefully coming in with a warm from. There is recongnition is the faces of many that met on the streets of this fogged over city. And all the word I can concieve of to describe a monad of this experience of the winter city don't come close to the truth of it. But those faces know, they've seen, just as I have that as the days get shorter one day they will again get longer. They remember the summit over looking the valley below, the winding river that runs through this town, and how the speckles of light are reflected off the water on a glorious evening in June.

The work day

2005-12-14T11:02:00.000-08:00

Another work day, here I am an hour into it, I've managed to spill half a cup of hot chia tea, hitting my elblow pretty hard in the process. 'Hello this is Zach, can I get your name, please?' Well, she had five accounts, I put a payment promise on three, and explain that an extension granted for may and june payments did not include a late charge amount. Well I've taken seven calls at an average of 4 minutes and 32 seconds a piece. That's calc (32 * 7 / 60) + (4 * 7) well a little over 30 minutes of the hour and 9 I've been here. Head it not quite clear, awake yet, I'll try some deep breathes and caffine. 'Hello this is Zach, can I get your name, please?' gv cs extn inf....shoot me my head hurts, more caffine. Ah, yeah that's right

>drink skin
You drink from a buffalo water skin.
You are not thirsty.
>eat pie
You are full.
'Hello this is Zach can I get your name please?' .....The amount that you would be responsible for is you return the vehicle is the total of your remaining payments, minus some unearned charges, rent charges, or administration fees' 'The amount what we would sell you the vehicle for is not the same at what the dealership would purchase the vehicle for which is based on an estimated auction value, whereas the amount you would pay to purchase the vehicle at this time is based on a residual value that was established on the contract plus the total of your remaining payments minus those unearned charges, now if you return the vehcile you will be responsible for any excess wear and mileage, and any open recalls would need to be completed before we can process the sale of the vehicle'
......more calls, dealers want qoutes...it's ot busy, but not slow enough perhaps to get my level on Castle Arcanum and write this at the same time, I'll hop over there and kill the drow master again, maybe get another 67 exp. Guess not. A thirty-one day extension instead. Then break. Alright I can't write any more, think I'll try to read for a bit.

As I was the wind and rains blows over me....

2005-12-09T10:35:00.000-08:00

I was out for a walk, it was raining heavy and the wind was blustering. I was crossing an intersection just a few blocks from my house. I saw you coming towards me on the crosswalk and I let you pass. I had reached the other side of the street when I looked back and saw you looking back at me, I can't explain the rush of feeling I gave every effort to ignore. You gave me a look and made it clear that you wanted to talk. I walk back the way I had came to meet on the other side of the crosswalk, from there we walked over to a parking lot that was accross the street, you tried to make small talk, 'so how you been doing?' and my responses where brief, my feelings where push down deep. We stoped and you looked at me and told me 'you can't hold back how you feel, it will only hurt you' and as we hugged it all came out in my tears. Thank you for visiting my dreams.

restless dreaming....

2005-12-08T11:13:00.000-08:00

After several month of not being able to recall much of my dreams. I think to some degree I've been avoiding dreaming, these last couple nights I've had some intense roaming dream images...Partially I believe they may have been induced by a decent amount of toxins flowing through my blood stream, the shot of Scotch, and what you could easily say is an excessive amount of PBR, the king of cheap beers. As I fell asleep I was first aware of being in my bed laying down with a beautiful face looking back at me, an angelic beauty who smiled at me softly, and I was washed over with a feeling that all was well in the world, and as if that was a waking moment I fell again into sleep inside this dream. The dreaming that followed consisted of Images of faces, people, places, much of it covered in snow, and much of the time I was wandering from place to place in at attempt to keep appointments, or catch up with people, partially there was a feeling that I had been left behind and was trying to catch up. The tone of the dream was the blue of the winter city at night. I remember meeting many different people in the dream. There was a point where I stopped in to listen to a concert of sorta funk/raegee/choir band, they had a maybe 20 people on stage, a lot of them just singing, there was a dj, and I don't remember was instrument, but they varied quite a bit. I remember having to leave because the music affected me, and I became uncomfortable and so I headed out bank into the cold, later I was trying to get back home and ran into a girl who was climbing some large stone steps that where as I was climbing down them, I failed to see her at first because I was very fascinated by the architecture of the building that was at the bottom of the steps. Any attempt to describe it would likely be misleading, describing architecture is something I really lack the linguistics for, but I can say it was not overly spectacular, not perhaps moreso the our local library, which is a very nice building. Well when I did notice the girl she turned to speak to me and we started talking. She was very elated that she was an actress, and she had just spent the last 3 nights performing in her first play. I asked her a bit about how that made her feel, and she continued to talk about it for a while. She also had 2 silver bottles that where rounded larger at the bottom and narrowing out at the top. She gave me one and we drank as she talked. After a time I told her I had to go and continued on my way. As some point I ended up with my ex girlfriend, who was on top of my and trying to coerce me into sex, on top of my grinding against me, I knew that she was trying to drain me and I could not allow this, she was a predator, fortunately I was able to flee when she was distracted by a knock at the door, and jump into a moment where the house was filled with visiting 'family', I has met these people earlier in dreaming in a brief daytime moment of passing they visiting from out of town. Well within moments they where pulling out all of the dishes and breaking them and screaming, so I was able to slip out, thankful for the distraction. There was more and I can't say I'm sure of the order of any of theses events mostly memory of dreaming comes in fragments. Well perhaps in nights to come I will continue to wander the twilight city.

Quizilla test results:

2005-11-29T12:54:00.000-08:00

quizilla results moved to myspace, better forum for that type of thing

Aeon Flux

2005-11-21T13:21:00.000-08:00

12/12/05
Yes, I know many of you have been waiting, engaging in the debate, who can play one of our favorite scantily clad assassins, Aeon Flux....we we all know there where only 2 option, Angelina Jolie, or Charlize Theron. Looks like it's going to be the latter. I haven't seen the trailer yet, but looking forward to this one. I remember staying up late and watching Aeon Flux, The Maxx, and Liquid Television, MTV's mixbag of late night animation. Never was quite sure what was going on with Aeon, here she was sneaking around, wearing next to nothing, in leather, and ever now and then getting into some twisted tounge action with Trevor, who she was also trying to kill. At first there was a disease of some sort, that I think the government was unleashing on the population, and then some wierd extra dimensional baby thing....hmm...the library needs to have this series to I can watch more. So who's going, Michelle should be here by then, lets get a group and go see it!!!!

$0(\)7-BiteMeG's Rootkit: Malware for the Masses

2005-11-15T11:39:00.000-08:00

Part of my effort to stay up to date on issues that both interest and concern me I regularly at least scan EFFector email newsletter from EFF good for staying up to date on who is suing who over issues of Information Rights...Personally my view lean towards the side of as much of an open flow of information that is not controlled solely for profit or greed...But certainly in this day and age of the newly emerging info economy, with the pop culture engine of N0fotainment, 7eroValueData, fighting for the rights of the individual do things like blog freely, and enjoy content with value which falls between the pillar of individual subjectivity, good art, and accurate logical information uncoloured by any motivated bias....And our rights be a part of as much spectrum of the data exchange are defended legal watchdog like these guys. Well the article that caught my attention was from the 11-11-05 newsletter issue:

Are You Infected with Sony-BMG's Rootkit?

EFF Confirms Secret Software on 19 CDs

San Francisco - News that some Sony-BMG music CDs install
secret rootkit software on their owners' computers has
shocked and angered thousands of music fans in recent days.
Among the cause for concern is Sony's refusal to publicly
list which CDs contain the infectious software and to
provide a way for music fans to remove it. Now, the
Electronic Frontier Foundation (EFF) has confirmed that the
stealth program is deployed on at least 19 CDs in a variety
of genres.

The software, created by First 4 Internet and known as
XCP2, ostensibly "protects" the music from illegal copying.
But in fact, it blocks a number of legal uses--like
listening to songs on your iPod. The software also
reportedly slows down your computer and makes it more
susceptible to crashes and third-party attacks. And since
the program is designed to hide itself, users may have
trouble diagnosing the problem.

"Entertainment companies often complain that fans refuse to
respect their intellectual property rights. Yet tools like
this refuse to respect our own personal property rights,"
said EFF staff attorney Jason Schultz. "Sony's tactics here
are hypocritical, in addition to being a security threat."

If you listened to a CD with the XCP software on your
Windows PC, your computer is likely already infected. An
EFF investigation confirmed XCP software on 19 titles, but
it's far from a complete list. Sony-BMG continues to refuse
to make such a list available to consumers.

Consumers can spot CDs with XCP by inspecting a CD closely,
checking the left transparent spine on the front of the
case for a label that says "CONTENT PROTECTED." The back of
these CDs also mention XCP in fine print. You can find
pictures of these and other telltale labeling at
http://www.eff.org/IP/DRM/Sony-BMG/ .

"Music fans should protect themselves from this stealth
attack on their computer system," said EFF Senior Staff
Attorney Fred von Lohmann.

For EFF's list of CDs with XCP:
http://www.eff.org/deeplinks/archives/004144.php

The "legalese rootkit" - Sony-BMG's EULA:
http://www.eff.org/deeplinks/archives/004145.php
For this release:
http://www.eff.org/news/archives/2005_11.php#004146

So here I am thinking who would be interesting in this information and well the next day I get an email from someone I'm positive would want to know, and well, it was already too late:

Z,
Made a really BAD decision yesterday.. I picked up Black Rebel Motorcycle Club's "Howl" and My Morning Jackets "Z".
Now, mind you, I quite enjoyed BRMC musically [MMJ was a bit of a disappointment] but I have since discovered that
A) both of these [Sony/BMG] CDs install a rootkit program onto your computer when you click "I Accept" below their statement that you won't be able to even access the CD with your computer unless you click "I Accept",
B) all the tracks turn out to be copy-protected WMA files so iTunes won't recognise the disc and I can't get 'em onto the old iPod ANYWAY,
C) the software, which goes unmentioned anywhere on the product itself, is intended to monitor your use of the CD and report back to big brother via your Internet connection,
D) it's devilishly hard to remove, you have to jump through bureaucratic hoops to get Sony to send you a custom uninstaller file, which won't arrive for about 3 days now,
E) it creates a hole in your firewall big enough to drive a Trojan through, and
F) that in fact one has ALREADY turned up roaming the www looking for vulnerable suckers like me.

More here as well (if you're interested);
SysInternals
The Big Picture
SlashDot

There are also pissed off forums on both bands web sites...

Anyway, I'm going to sell both of these discs to a local used CD store tomorrow, and begin a boycott of both bands, Sony, and anybody else I can think of that might deserve my scorn and contempt.
Damn, cranky just isn't a strong enough word is it?
Now I just want to know how we keep from getting this kind of crap via Amazon and the like?
-IN

Other links:
Sony anti-spyware investigated by (Italian) police from GameShout 11-8-05

Boycott Sony from Wired 11-14-05

Sony recalls copy-protected music CDs from MNS 11-16-05

...Many voices in hushed tones speaking to one another, passing note, and laughing at fools, the exchange rate will fluctuate into a consistant flow, who can hold an idea, in a market of ideas imagination is the key that will free the world....

Chess

2005-11-03T15:02:00.000-08:00

Heya, if anyone out there wants to hit me up for a game of chess. I frequently play on www.gameknot.com username: 7ach4riah. Trying to get some practice up my chess skills. I learned chess from my father when we lived in Nebraska, I remember playing games with him in his study/computer room. Later I went on to play in the chess clubs in junior high and high school. In the 6th and the 7th grade, one year I got 2nd place in Chess and 7th place in mental math, and another year I got 2nd and 7th again but not in the same event. Chess is certainly one of those games where if you don't practice you get rusty. So i'm making a habit of playing on a regular basis. Not to the point where I am calculating several moves again, but getting better and observing the board and seeing the potential moves of my opponent. Just got skooled on my last game, really enjoyed the game, could tell it was going to be a challenge after a few moves. You can learn a lot for loosing a few games, so....Anyone who want to play, please do...win or lose, enjoy the game.

Feel good Inc.

2005-11-02T18:22:00.000-08:00

Dancing is an activity that I thoroughly enjoy, feel completely involved in. Often time the dancing that I do involves a certain amount of lubrication, consumption of alcoholic beverage, usually a few beers, and I'm up and ready to go, but since I've had reason to go to a few shows, seeing people I know play, and not a lot of on hand cash, I'm learning that even a glass of water can get me out on the floor is the music moves me. I've often thought if what I do with my feet as clumsy and unrefined, I let them fall as the will, and just happen to be able to roll, slide with wherever then land. Halloween night I was out with some guys that happen to hang around the apartment complex, one of them Marty, I've had some good conversation with, and he's talked about being a break dancer, but I had never seen it. Wow, what an art, seriously, this is cool shiot. Well, when we stopped at one of the bars downtown he had no problem getting on the floor and spinning on one hand, and other quite fantastic maneuvers. And in turn, I got up and did, as my pal Alex refers to it 'The Zach Shuffle', and it is something that is entirely mine. Well after I slid around the floor a bit, Marty told me 'Hey, man what your doing, that's not far off from being a break move, here let me show you'. So he proceeds instruct me on a move that involves alternating feet back and forth, what would start with to gain momentum in break dancing, I believe he referred to the move as an uprock. Well it didn't take much for me to pick up the moves. So hey, I learned some intro to break dancing....Maybe one of these days, I'm have moves. I danced a bit last night, and realized that I had a better idea of where my feet where going. Yeah it's fun to invoke a look of shock on the face of an unexpected bar patron when I walk up to the dance floor, and just start moving my feet.

War and Peace

2005-10-23T01:40:00.000-07:00

let the anger be the force behind the bow string, but aim the bow

There seem to be two primary forces working inside of me, one that is seeking peace, and the other that is enraged with an endless anger. I sat one day and looks to my heart was shocked to realized that it was consumes with anger, like a flame that surrounded it. This anger at a world that was not as it should be that I had isolated myself from and shunned for it's ignorance, it's obsession with the trivial, it's lack of motivation or concern about the inequities that seem so clear, of the obviousness that there is a stream of useless memetic data that is being spoonfed to the masses. But my rage is my own, and how can I cry ignorance at the world, point fingers and pray for their slow demise, without looking inward to myself, and my own ignorances.

It was on a walk the other day, after a fight with someone whom I have admittadly wronged, and who has wronged me in kind. The realization was that I don't want to fight, well at least not that useless, over and over again, questioning things that can't be undone sorta fight. And the conclusion that I have came to many times with this friend is simply, do you want peace, or do you want conflict? What use is there in the conflict of what might have been?

On orgins, in a social context, what is the orgin of conflict, particulary in the context of conflicts of ideas....war no longer serves the purpose of ensuring one tribes traditional culture code, and wipe out an opposing culture code that would currupt one set of cultural programing. Why war?

Perhaps, on a personal level, it is a fixation on a set perception and an unwillingness to see beyond this perception that causes much of the inner struggle with the outer world. The root of anger being ignorance, or the inability to see things as they are, while insistant upon seeing things as they 'should be'. Now we all much live somewhere in the middle of how things should be and how things are. Life is beautifully ugly at times, and to strive for peace seems to be to struggle with that fact, and the acceptance that beyond the gross nature of this existance, there is something that resonates within us all and keeps this light show going.

What soul got to do with it?

2005-10-12T10:23:00.000-07:00

So here is one of those philosophical questions, that has been ponder and will be ponder until there is noone left to ponder it, and since there are plenty of folks out there who really don't have time to waste on such pondering, it's up to daydreaming poets and philosophers to do so. Not that I'm the time of guy to sit around and fret about questions with no answer, or stress myself over forces of which I have no control, but I have giving the idea, the concept, of the 'soul' some ponderance. I remember back in high school, trading souls was all the rage, written pieced of paper stating I give up my soul in trade for a pencil, lunch money... whatever... What else is high school for. So one of the early questions for me was, do animals, plant have souls, well good question, lesser forms, lesser developed perhaps. Growing up raised in a christian church, I found that I was personally more interested in matters of a spiritual nature, and found myself quite frustrated by the answers I was given. I don't really remember much discussion regarding the human soul, more of the don't sin, or your going to hell...I do remember one preacher saying that he had never sinned, and that it was easy to live I life free of sin...Well my definition sin had changed since those days of my youth. A definition I recently came across that apparently goes back to a Greek word, is: to miss the mark. Which seems to make a lot more sense then whatever type of 'sin' they tried to teach us to avoid every Sunday. They probably were not referring to the Sumerian moon goddess, would be my guess.... Well back to the questions at hand...Soul, good god, hit me, what is soul, well James Brown that man's got soul, which gets to another idea or concept regarding soul, which is what moves the human soul is good music, music that cuts to the core of your being, music that moves you to dance...anyone who has seen me moved to dance might laugh, but I truly love it. So one of the theories regarding soul from my teenage days of wandering and manic poetry, was that of the allsoul, which is simply that, all is manifestation of the essence of original material which is the soul of the divine....Now found it quite interesting to learn later that this what basically what you will find in eastern philosophy...little did I know at the time. So what is soul, well that's a Stereo Mc's song, you know they sing, Connected, you've heard it, in all likelihood. I remember reading Ogre, Ogre by Piers Anthony, the story was about an Ogre who only had half a soul, who I guess what smart average over...It's been a while since I've read it, I was probably about 14 or so...and not really interested in Ogre girls, and likely he goes to see good magician Humphrey...if you've ever read any Xanth, most everyone goes to his castle for 3 trials, and then they get a question answered, which usually leads to being sent on a quest....Well If I remember right the Ogre is asking why he has half a soul, ends up meeting a nymph who has half a soul as well, the go into a gourd which leading the some sorta underworld, the place where those nightmares hangout when they are not delivering disturbing dreams....well long story short, do the math, ogre 1/2 soul + nymph 1/2 soul = one soul, all good there. That's a fairly classical interpretation as well, one soul became split in two, and is later unified. Ka, Ki, Me, oh my, what is my soul, would happen when I die? Silly questions. Well I have other theories, ideas, about what is up with this soul business, and reading what others have had to say about it can be interesting, but for now, time to get back to work.

ramblings

2005-10-10T11:00:00.000-07:00

Alright, it's been a while since I've posted much of anything. Haven't really been keeping up with posting dreams, there seems to be little more then fragments. Some of them interesting, had one the other night where ButterRum, my cat, was out introducing me to people....and last night there where bits around moving my bookself, and letting someone borrow my copy of Tao of Pooh.....decided to reread the book, it's definately a favorite. Well, life has been life. Good company and conversation, financial struggles, good music, books to read, movies to see, the usual I guess, hard to just say 'the usual' because I'm not sure if any of this is or will be typical of my life. There are frustrations and joy, things forgotten and things remembered. Still find that one of the things I appreciate good company and good conversation...which can be found often when not expected. There is certianly a struggle to articulate some of the ideas that rattle in by brain, many of them revolving around themes that are personal, cultural, social, perhaps even spiritual. I appreciate when I have a conversation where someone changes my mind, when ideas that seemed so abstract but familiar are presented back to me. I also appreciate friends that will allow me to ramble about something I've been thinking about, often time the ideas aren't fully formed until I speak them. And perhaps I struggle with ideas and ideals that lack much practical value or application in every day life. Trying to stay the line of self involved, which I am, and self indulgent. And what of the future, I work, read, listen to music, interact and try to stay engaged in my own life, all in the hope that at some point it will click, I won't feel so much like it's a struggle, not that it won't be and there is certianly more to be done that will be work. So, recently I've been giving a few recommendations, suggestions, that I should make an attempt at theatre, audition for a play, that might be fun. I have a few goals for this fall and winter, basicly to get a budget, sell/get rid of excess stuff, get a few books finished, and take a class something physical would be good, perhaps a martial art.

2005-08-30T13:17:00.000-07:00

a bit of dreaming....my arm was covered with scabby burn marks, which I went to peel away and pick at the scab, and I removed pieces of scab I found the flesh beneath was healed....

today I feel like I cried 1001 tears in my sleep, no longer certian if this is how I when I first woke up, but at some point I realize, certianly before now, that there is a deep sadness, drowned then washed back to shore, drowned then washed back to shore, time to leave this sandy place take a few grain for the glass, and move on, something is missing, feels like I've lost something, something that can never be regained...you get so close sometimes, so close, patience, that's what I've lost, wait for it, timing...

sand on a beach.... moments in times.... it's not over yet....

there is no greater illusion then fear,
no greater wrong then preparing to defend yourself,
no greater misfortunate then having an enemy' -tao de ching

nerdcore rulez.

2005-08-11T11:30:00.000-07:00

I was coming home from work on the bus yesterday after work, and sitting in the back of the bus where a couple of kids talking, a guy and a girl, probably somewhere between 15-19 in age, well what interested me was when the kid started talking about time travel and designing house that was a maze, with time traps and floors that where side by side, a system of elevators that only when one way, and stairs that when another. Gamer geeks, gotta love it. He went on to explain to the girl about how more of his ingenious ideas. He when on and on about his house maze, and other other great maze in his game, and the maze guardians. One of which was a cube with each face being a portal, from which the cube could summon from each face a different beast, the cube also was immune to physical damage, or rather would store any damage and could in turn release this damage later on whomever was attacking it. The boy questioned her as to how such a thing might be defeated, asking if magic was required, after she gave up, he told that that the trick was to step through one of the portals and turn in off from the inside, where the control mechanism was. Just had to share case the whole conversation amused me, there where time I thought to interject, but probably best that I didn't, also remembering some of the gaming sessions I've been involved in, thinking why didn't we ever have more traps or riddles, mazes, in our games. But then again I remember the last time I played and there was a riddle trap, and everyone in the party almost drowned before we just decided to bash in the door.

another post to comment on

2005-08-11T10:27:00.000-07:00

Well as I was falling asleep last night and falling into dream there was an image of an older man sitting on a rock, his skin was dark, and rugged, as was his face, which was smiling, it eyes where bright and intense, I stared into them and the closefaced smile, which when he opened him mouth to smile widely revealed a darkly stained broken teeth, and him countenance became frightening and I seem to be lockin into his gaze and moving towards him, he grined wider and laughed.

.....I was sitting in a chair in a room that was the office of my councilor, this was my first theraphy session. The woman who was my councilor was standing up putting away books, in a bookcase along the wall, there was a second book shelf on the wall to the right of the chair I was sitting in. We discussed book and she was searching through her the bookshelf, her demeanour was very warm and healing, what you would expect from someone in that profession, we discussed some of the book I noticed on the shelf, some that I myself had on my shelf at home. Finally she told me she wanted me to take home 2 books, that where sitting on the shelf to my right, side by side, the one on the left had on its spine, 3 letter, which this is where I question my recollection, where possibly HEW, the book on the right, was labeled FAUST.

dream of the golden book

2005-07-08T17:34:00.000-07:00

Okay here is a dream that I had a little over a week ago, that I've been meaning to get posted, still have some back posts to finish up. Well this dream starts of with me knocking on the door of an apartment where I am visiting a friend, I am there to talk with her, was standing just inside the doorway and I was telling about the current events of my life, and complaining a bit about how I wanted a more fulfilling job, to be doing something meaningful, and just giving up my woes, and complaining about the this and that of life, which familar to the dream. As time when of the room gained more depth, and I noticed a child playing in the living room, and then beyond the living room there was a kitchen, with a table and a chair. Sitting at the chair was a man, I didn't notice the man until the woman I was speaking to told me that I should meet her husband, that he had a very unique job that occupied him night and day. As look towards the man at the table what I noticed was the book which was unlike any other I had ever seen, it's surface was not flat, but rather rough and uneaven, the book was quite larger then any average book but not in thickness, but length and width. The book appeared to be golden, but the colour itself fluctuated between glowing to dull in places, and I moved closer I was that the pages of the book where vibrant with colour, that swirled, no one page was alike, and many of then where a mix of this vibrant colour, and also appeared as ancient stone tablets covered in cuniform and runic scripts. Wife explain that her husband was an artist, and this was his art, his task, to translate from the book. Well he look up and paused for an introduction, after which his wife explained my dilemma, my general dissatisfation with my vocation, my position in life. Next I remember we where sitting at the table and he had a set of what looked like watercolours out and told me that was he was about to do would help, he started by taking purple and marking paint on forhead, the location of the anja chakra, the third eye, and then he went for another colour and gave a confused look, like he forgot what came next, and I occured to me that next he should mark the throat, but before I could speak the dream ended.

Timeline of self

2005-06-30T11:10:00.000-07:00

Okay I would like to ask the assistance of everyone on an upcoming project, many of you may have heard me use the term 'retrodentification' or understand that I sometime struggle with laspes of memory regarding details of personal history, now I do think that we are all connected to something beyond, personal or even cultural history, and there are threads of interlation that can be followed back to earlier points of origin. So what I would like to do is develop a timeline, find a place where my personal history and the one observed by others meets up. It appears at times that when I examine my concept of self, it seems that there are to many angles for an individual to observe, for the longest time I belived I knew what I was not, and a seething resentment of all of these things was sufficient, I knew what I was not, I was not one of them.

Well I've found there to be a certian falacy in that thought, that was a projection of my own ignorances and fears, I've lived so long with my headphones on, shutting out the outside world, conversation, not wanting to make a mistake or not be taken seriously. I've been caught with the feeling of being trapped inbetween two worlds, one uniquely my own which is to me even at times both fantastic and terrifying, and then the one that is shared, and now I find that I do have to walk between the two, that one does affect the other, and there is something to be learned. The twin fold ego trap of fear and desire, beyond which there is something that is not seperate, the truth, that what I think, or what I think I know, but just to experience life and not exclude myself from that. And my concept of self is such that it is beyond just my own perception, there is something of me that me will never see, and has to be experience in that outer world the one I share with others and throught shared experience.

So the persuit is knowledge of ones self, both within the realm of a personal perception, and from the one of outside, shared experiences, and maybe just being able to better transition between the two, to avoid projecting my ideals on the outerworld, and to be able to share more of my inner world, so I just keep digging, peeling away at the layers, and this is something that althought the brunt of the work is done alone, I am constantly finding aide, and the more I open my ears and eyes to the world, the more I realized that in the words of the mantra Doma shared with me 'there is love all around' , that kinda beautiful-ugly sorta thing, and that to really life there are times that you just have to let go of anything you could think or begin to know of life and walk outside of your own definitions of what is real...

now back to the 'purpose' of this post, which is simply I would like to fill in some of those gaps of my personal history, at least just for the purpose of dissolving their hold on my idea of self, but also perhaps gain an awareness of self on a cyclic nature, personal cycles......so if there is anyone out there who can help me with putting some of these memories that I've been exploring in order, perhaps dates would help, so for all those I've lived with, and have been a part of my life and can give me some objective data, help me answer questions like, what summer was it that I lived with Michelle, or when was it that I went to live in Myrtle Creek, please email me at dimensionsofperception@hotmail.com. TY

Repetition is a form of change

2005-06-24T11:21:00.000-07:00

the arm reaching for the my grave to pull me in is my own
a mountian of memories the foundation for a castle of dreams

transparent spider web

2005-06-23T10:55:00.000-07:00

The spider sits on a translucient web,
the threads that support him,
instictive in design...okay so I started this post with an attempt to draw out some metaphor about a spider on it's web, or at least the web, and something about interconnected nature of blah blah, I started this post yesterday, and when I thought about it today what I really wanted to post about was my friends, if anyone is out there reading this on a even someone consistant basis, you will notice additional links added on the left, that will connect you to other blogs, part of my expanded network of really fascinating people, there is FireAngel, who's company I miss quite a bit, even the occasional disagreements and her hogging my PS2, but these things are pretty typical when you live with someone, and I really have to thank her for offering me a place to stay when I really needed one, which allowed me to recover my year spent in hell, or well one of the most boring backwater nowhere white trash towns in Oregon, and also I have to thank her for putting up company I was keeping at that time. Then Doma, the prismatic puddle, in my lifetime I could not offer up enough apologies for all the horrible things I have said, you been my best friend, and given me the chance to learn to be a better friend in return, and your mantra,you are loved and there is love all around you, which has helped, and for the curse, which well, hey maybe I deserved it, and thanks for laughing at me when I have been ridicolous and not taking me to as seriously as I've sometimes been known to take myself, now get outside and go for a walk or something, read a book. Also, Shar, one of the most hospitable people I know, I her to thank not only for a place to stay, but also for many hours of conversation on topics from the mundane to the esoteric, and for much good council. She to like many of the individuals that have woven themselves into the thread of my life, particularly those of us that are in our mid to late 20s, is also on this path of change, with the end of a relationship, and a new life ahead. Demongund, hasn't been blogging longer then I have I believe, and I've had a link up to his site for quite some time. My friendship with John has been one of mutual respect, and mutual interest, we both where DMs, storytellers for our groups of roleplayers, so much has changes since those days of sitting around rolling dice and describing monsters and god, demons, and arguing over the rules of the game, yeah there what more then a bit of that. John my respect for John goes beyond his ability to lead players through a tale, many of which he conjured up from the depth of his dreams and nightmares, which has always impressed me, but also because he really is a fair and decent guy, who despite his demeanor of utilitarian self interest, really does care about deeply for the people in his life. So that's a bit about some of those people on the threads of this web, to which I have links on this page. There are so many other lifes that have intersected with mine, friends, coworkers, relatives, and so many have added in so many ways to my life, either by just tollerating me, I look back and realized that I was pretty self absorbed at times in my life, so to those in that web, where part of the inner circle or outer ring, thank you.

everybody gets it, in the end...

2005-06-17T12:47:00.000-07:00

today I woke up with little doubt in the possibility of a multipliticy of hells,
most of them not so unfamiliar, there you are sitting and your desk, staring at the computer screen, and thinking to yourself, what did I do to deserve this hell,
well, may of us are just lost, few of us are aware that this is a choice, not one made for us, but one reinforced by the individual, the choice, trap of our own choosing, not to say that it is not possible that there is such trap, such spendid hell that would be worth an eternity of torment, the romances suggest as much, so many choices, so many path, but they all lead back to the same point, and the circiut continues, If you could span the gap of the infinite realities, and find the you that exists in the highest state of bliss, he would still be entrapped in one of these hells. Sarte says hell is other people, I belive it has more to do with the process of differentiation, or the inescapable feeling of seperation, which is only at rare moment overcome in this life, love is an active persuit of shedding the ignorance of this differention, seeking those experiences. I know I have tried to express this before but I think one of the most beatiful loving expression of life is the smiling face of an elder who's has eyes with the depth of many tears, something I associate with The Blues, and great blues performers....I have to say it took me a while to get the blues, when I did it's just sorta hit me, like oh, something very different from an intellectual experience, that touches the depths of the human soul, and again shed the illusion of seperation that traps us in this field of time and space.

there is nothing left to do, just hold your breathe and hope it's true that we'll arise

2005-06-17T11:15:00.000-07:00

seem to have misplace the box to the game of everything in it's place

I was once on a midnight walk with Ben, in Cottage Grove. Ben was an very interesting character, a cynic among cynics, who considered most formal curtosies with contempt, his manner would was considered quite rude by most, he was prone to a number of compulsions, one of which was to curl up strips of paper. Well, I the instance I was getting to was most likely like any number of nights where we where debating some issue relating in general to the world is really f-d up, social inequity, or some fictional history related to any number of roleplaying games, or character concepts, well this night our conversation was interupted by an old man on the street, we had not heard him approach, I belive he spoke to us for sometime, but the words that I remember are this 'growth comes in spurts, and this is evident in the rings of a tree' , from which you can see the amount of growth with each passing year.

a prayer of the finite

2005-06-16T21:54:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I can do this, been positive of my uncertianty for so long, from chaos I was born, and nursed on a flame that flickers around my heart, what beast guards my soul,
I feel there should be some purpose, something more then longing, something more then clever self deciet, how can I trust this, I have woken perfectly content in my dreaming to long, chased by memories of a wretched beast, and everyone smiled and carried on like there was nothing wrong, and now, there seems to be something more, that the questions that have lingered, and if there is some understanding to be reached, for all the lies that they preach, something of a purpose must exist, some goal more then the one that will be discarded for the next, some hand that hold mine tightly as I breath my last breath...

don't let that stop you

2005-06-16T10:15:00.000-07:00

well its been a few days since I have posted anything, feel like I've been avoid it, I do have at least one dream I would like to explore, which to me vividly illustrated a personal insecurity, one that I can't claim to having been consciously aware of. But that is the nature of dreams of a gateway to the unconscious. Honestly I know I'm not saying any that hasn't been said before, some of the thoughts that I find so profound at times do seem a little cliche, like yeah but everyone knows that, but for the is just that I get it, or it click in a way that seems more real, more applicable to everyday life, or I feel that tingle that runs throught me when something just hits and everything is good, there is a clear path, all the doors stand open. Now there are just as many if not more moments of uncertianty, like am I supposed to feel this way, like the world is senseless and no matter what you believe it is just a trick of the senses...I know that there is no peace found just by letting the gears turn, but that doesn't mean they won't turn...the more I study the more I find I am embracing a philosophy that has always been my own....

Part of personal journey has been to confront the me of a decade ago, or at least that became part of, along with ideas of family and home, and that his taken me back nearly a full decade to the point where I confront the me of that time, which I try so hard to love, someone I have wanted to destroy, been ashamed of, and now that I have pictures recenty aquired from my mother......I have struggled with memories of my past, feeling like there are too many gaps, my brain learns to quickly to wipe, block off, repress, and start fresh, many cycles of rebirth, transplants, see Metamophosis.... I can find parallels which the person I was, the manic poet, who was grasping at some explaination for a life that seemed to be so wretchedly cruel, filled with people where so easily deluded by obvious lies, I was filled with a rage I had learned from my father, a man who to me seemed to be so frustrated with his inability to live the idealized life that he imagined for himself and his family, I thought I knew something then, I think this is typical of being a teenager, knowing something they don't, and I did, or so I thought, but also I struggled with that anger, found ways to channel it, prominently was writing and music and romantic obsessions....I remember days when I would walk and words would just come to me one after the other so quickly that I didn't have chance to remember and write then, and when I did stop to write they seems to flow faster then I could have spoken. I spent at least a year writing like this if not more, spend much of my class time writing instead of doing any actual class work.

Well here I am, looking backward and forward, trying to confront my fears from both ends, knowing my ignorance, is my responsibility and blaming others for theirs is just falsely justifying my own.

a dream

2005-06-11T05:46:00.000-07:00

I was in the desert with an old man, and we where climbing a mountian of sand. It is possible that there was another with us I get the impression there may have been, if so it was a young lady. There where obvious foot and hand holds that stuck out, curved ridges that could be easily grasped. As I climbed I started to climb faster, but it seemed as if no end was in sight, and the climb was almost straight up. Stopping for a minute I realized it would be a long way down, then I realized that I had no time to stop because the sand would not hold if I stood still, and I would fall.

this one tear will follow another

2005-06-05T00:11:00.000-07:00

it's not the road ahead,
or the shadow of trail that has lead us to this moment,
nothing learned, nothing known,
all blind of virtue, shouded in false belief,
should we live for a dream, or dream for a life,
will any words speaken in any tounge grant passage ,
move slowly, caution, study and observe,
re-read the virtue of not knowing who you are,
remember the two lines that intersect,
all roads lead to one ends,
many paths, many branches, many lifetimes,
have these questions been asked,
why now struggle,
the body remembers what I have forgotten
no need for hesitence, let is pass
question each step, take each step,
let the tears wash away,
I will feel my pain.

2005-06-01T15:53:00.000-07:00

I call for rememberances,
give me passage through the storm
let me not lean to heavy
those that offer their strength
take time to reflect upon those eyes
that sees thought the torrent

I call for dreams,
herald me to sights unseen,
deeper threads of the mystery
pieces that where damaged, restored
a wall comes down, a false god dies

I call for apologies,
to those that deserve them,
old wounds buried deep in history
some scars fade with time
tears cleanse hearts mend

I call for redemption

funeral dream

2005-06-01T15:17:00.000-07:00

I had this dream a few days back, or nights rather, the details I remembered on waking are vague so all I can offer is a rough sketch of what I dreamed...even the order of events I am uncertian, but it's a dream so it all could have happened at once, or really time is not realevant. at one point I was waiting outside a towering building, what looked like it could have been one of those building that firefighter's use to practice putting out fires, only much taller, the proportions of the building seen to alter at different points in the dream, I was waiting for old friends, I remember that Jonas and Jessie did show up, but there where other's that didn't Brian and Josh, this makes sense since they are in the Navy, and I have not seen the in several years, I think others showed up as well. At another point I was running up a stairwell that seem to go on for quite some time until it opened up into a room with a large window, outside the window was a woman in dark robes floating in the air, her face was one that I have become very familiar with, a form of angelic beauty. I believe this figure was trying to tell me something, but I don't know what it was. Later I was walking around to the other side of this building to where I was supposed to assist with burying my grandfather, but when I got there it was too late, he was already in the ground. So I sat next to my father while others spoke. My father was poking me in the stomach, with long finger nails, not intentionally cruely, something he thought was amusing but I did not, I was as a young boy, and I in turn took his fingers and popped the joints. The response to this was affection, and I was pleased, althought I meant to act in retaliation.

chess lessons 00001

2005-05-31T13:38:00.000-07:00

As soon as you get in a position where are convinced you are either winning or losing, this is when you will make a mistake, you have lost your focus, so play the game keeping in mind the potential of each move, avoid the mentality of win or loss.

we live and breathe the soundtrack to our life

2005-05-29T00:34:00.000-07:00

change of local circa 95ish

2005-05-27T21:53:00.000-07:00

what brought be here, you may ask. And by here I don't just mean this moment in time, this point in my life, althought I have been considering that a lot lately, it's possible a clue to that mystery will be presented here, but what I am refering to is this place, Oregon, about a decade ago. It seems like ages, and starting how different and yet the same I am, everything is. The simple answer is a 3 days on a greyhound bus, 2 packs of cigarette, a couple of carry on bags, I believe 3 other bags of luggage traveled with me on this trip. It seems that my father chose the worst time to send me away. It was the week of the high school prom, and althought I had already dropped out of school, I was planning on going with Dirni, my girlfriend at the time, and a group of our friends. There was also a KMFDM show the following weekend that I was hoping to go see, but he had bought the ticket and I had no choice that I could see at the time. I had a good group of friends, many of them where involved in the writing guild and enviromental clubs I was in while attending school, most all of them when by handles, codenames, there was Autumn Silver, Silence, the twins (thing 1 and thing 2 as they where commonly refered, Steven and Karen, Dirni of course. Most of us where writers, poets, readers of Anne Rice, scifi and fantasy. I was refered to by a number of handles myself Bloodlust, Tizoc, Stylor, I would have to say this is before the days of Chaosguarian. Many where used on dialup BBS's that we used to communicate and play games, I was a forum op on one, called Centrifugal Meltdown, if I remember correctly. I was also associating with other dropouts, musicians, and well that not relevent to the story at had but lets just say my future here could led down a path I would not like to contempate. I think my father came to the final decision for sending me when me away after learning that I supported my mother leaving him when she did. Having been witness to the beatings she took and been a brunt of my father's violence for a number of years, of course I supported her. I can't say I was doing much to further my life at the time, I wasn't working I was mostly sneaking out and going to parties and spending time with my friends. My mother had been kicked out of the church, which I had stopped going to myself, another reason my father didn't want me around. His hiporcisy, thier hiporcisy only furthered my contempt. Somehow it was her fault, she was an adulteress, despite the fact that she did not start seeing anyone until after she left my father, because they where still married. At this time I had began to study Tarot and Astrology, and had read up a bit about the Wiccan, and other pagan religions, as an alternative, and also started reading existensial philosophy, such as Sarte. I remember there are things I had to leave behind, I did not take my copy of the complete hitchhikers guide, or a Doctor Who graphic novel. There was a few other miscellanous artifacts I remember leaving, such as my breifcase that was spraypainted in tiedie. I remember trying to spend as much of those last days, after I found out I was leaving with Dirgni, she was a very sweet girl, an amazing artist with a soft voice and soft demeanor. To take with me she made me a couple tapes, One with a copy of The Lemonheads, Come on feel, and Mazzy Star, don't remember the name but it's the album with 5 string seranade, and a mix tape with some Simon and Garfunkel, and Don Mclean, more then likely I still have both of these tapes. Dirgni would and I would spend hours on the phone and I remember that on a number of occassions she would read me Grim's fairy tales until I fell asleep. I often spent hours talking on the phone, from which I was perpetually grounded, it was a way to stay in contact since it seem nearly impossible to get out of the house, until I learned how to sneak out of the second story bathroom window.

The trip itself was long, I remember not being able to sleep for the first day, leaving Texas. I remember the night sky in Arizona, one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. Passing through Hollywood at 2am. The LA terminal, ugh. Many layovers, stops and McDonalds. A lot of listening to my headphones, some writing, playing cards. I believe at one point I did engage in conversation with a fellow traveler who was going to San Diego. I remember the transition of scenery from California to Oregon. And seeing all of those trees, the hills, the beauty of it. I arrived at my destination in Cottage Grove, Oregon, early in the morning if I remember correctly. My grandparents, mother's parents where waiting to pick me up. I was going to live of their farm, 40 acres out in Saginaw, on the top of a hill where they had lived most of their lives, I had lived there before as a child with my mother while my father was in Nebraska looking for work.

This would be the start of a whole new life, a long period of solitude, long walks in the woods, with Chelsea a half greyhound half lab mix as my only companion. I took to writing and reading through my roleplaying books, one of the hobbies to pass the time was making RIFTs characters, a very drawn out process would could take hours, since many of the skills gave attribute modifications. At first, for several months I recieved lengthy letters from Dirgni, she even sent some artwork, some I still have. I was to spend my day, woken up at 6am every morning assisting my grandfather with farm chores, a lot of this involved loading and unloading wood for the wood stove, and finding shorts in the electric fence, chasing down cows when the got loose, and helping with various tasks in the garden. Gardening was my grandfather's passion, and his garden was extensive. I spend a year only going to town once a week when they went in for groceries. I loved the oregon weather, I was fond of the rain, always had been, it seemed so cleansing. After a year I decided with the help of my Uncle John to enroll in high school, this was my chance to get out to meet people. My grandparents where also very conservative Christians, and it was not optional that I attend sunday services, I remember faking ill on a number of occassion to avoid being there, and when I was there if not napping I would engage myself in writing satire such as the 10 commandments of Kermit. When I was able to say home I would surf the sattelite tv and often settle on a Columbo movie, which I really enjoyed. I eventually did make friends with Josh, a younger kid who lived down the hill, we would wander the woods, I introduced him to Dnd and the Magic the card game, I clearly remember the time my grandparents found my cards and tried to burn them convinced of their satanic influence. I at one point tried jacking into their phone box and running 75 foot of phone cord to the computer I bought from John's dad so that I could attempt to dial onto a bbs. Can't help but miss the good old day of pre internet computing, with classic Door games such as TW2010.

Well there are many things I could say about the time I spent there, it some ways I find now that I miss the issolation of being surrounded by forest. I learned a lot while I was there, I learned a work ethic form my grandfather, who was always at a task, something to contrast my father who obviously hated his job, and well I can only imagine his life. I am glad that is where I ended up as difficult as it was, life I mentioned early I don't know where else I could have gone if I had stayed in Houston. And well the smell of cow is something you can get used to but they are truely one of the dumbest creatures I've ever seen. Since the passing of my grandparents this past year I have thought much about that place, and what it meant to me. I hope to revisit their property sometime in the near future and hope to have something more to say about it.

when walking up hill rocks roll down

2005-05-25T11:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes all it takes is effort, I almosts lost my job today, or at least my position on the team. The effort that I've been making the couple weeks saved me. It was noticed. Once you start making that effort again, start that uphill climb that's when all of those forgotten challenges those monters you've tried to hide from let you know that they are still there, still yours. I know it was my own decision to make this start again, to take those steps I have told myself to take, listen to the whispers of dreams, regain footing on that ledge. And today I find myself in tears broken down, dodging, and having to decide to pick up that heavy armor, carry the sword of self authorization, write these words, and remember all those words spoken and unspoken that where offered up with love, despite my fear. I may have lost more then I know this day, and I will except that, and continue. So many of the people close to me may never know thier place in my heart, I hope one day to be better at saying the right words. So for now. Thanks.

I should have hit.

2005-05-25T10:51:00.000-07:00

Okay, here is a story many of you may have heard already, I will tell it as true as I can remember and try to throw in any details I can. I am tempted to rush through it and get it done. This is a story of defeat, fear, perhaps weakness, for which I find strength courage and some triumph in the telling. Perhaps I can throw in a ficticious ending to make it more exciting we will see. Many details I do not remember, the event took place in my latter days in the hell I refer to as Spring, TX. I can't say what time of year or what much else other then I remember I had just come home, and I came in throught the back door through the kitchen, and was heading towards the stairs to go to my room. I don't know what it was that my father said, or who else was in the house at the time, I only remember me and him, but now that I think about it I am sure others where there because, I had grabbed a piece of cherry pie to take with me to my room. Whatever it was that he said my response was 'asshole' , that was the word I spoke as I headed up the stairs toward my room. Next I remember he came up the stairs after me, he was angered by my show of disrespect, a disrespect that I had felt for some time, a contempt even for this man. I hated him. What I remember next is that I had enought time to place the cherry pie on a wooden desk chair, the old style school room desk chair combo, that sat next to the corner of my bed. When he made his way up the stair I was standing in my door way inside my room, him in the door way just outside my room. We stood face to face, I cannot say what words where spoken, but I remember that fists where raised. Eye to eye, each with a raise fist ready to strike, I remember the struggle that I felt, the interal questioning, can I hit this man, he's my father, that would he hit me. I could not, was it fear, was is some semblence of respect that I say I didn't have, a weakness, cowardice. It seems like we stood in this position for quite some time. And then it happened, he punched me, I was across the room and on that chair, covered in that pie. I could not believe it. To this day I my collar bone is still a bit out of place, from this incident, it must have hit the chair when I fell. This wound is a reminder, a scar that may carry with me for some time. I have thought much about how many times I backed down, avoided confrontations such as these. How much of my contetions towards this man sprung from wanting to defend myself, my mother, my siblings from the violence of this man. I have some understanding of what it take for someone to live like this with such self loathing, fear and insecurity that he must compensate with violence, and I do everything in my power not to be that man. So maybe the answer is not that I should have hit, maybe I was the stronger one for not doing so. Who can say.

six underground

2005-05-25T10:08:00.000-07:00

Something simple I grasp for, never wanted more, never thought I should
can't take back, can't be undone, is it best to forget and just go on. Woke up angry and tired frightened and alone, all lies, and you can't cure me of any of them. Banging my head against a brick wall, It's so easy to just be so wrong. I can't do this to myself. Why won't everyone just go way. I don't need a fan club, an audience for my destruction. I dreams the night before last of a lover and friend, who while haunting my dreams has now words for me in daylight. In the dream she came to warn me of another of her of absense and void, loss....I think I know what she meant. I must choose a mistake, for myself, what will you choose? This is not my world, this is my life, and the choice to suffer for it is own. Back to that word, resolute, I guess it also means a willingness to stick by a decision, even knowing it might hurt. Forward is the only way from here, straight through to something different, this is not the time for statis, this is the time for growth, so where will we go from here...every day it feels like something left behind...but the road is long...I seem to keep coming back to this one simple thing, beyond all of the frustations of the day, like a grain of sand, or a tear welling up in the corner of my eye...something that is as vast and infinite as a single moment, and a slap in the face for trying to reach beyond that. I want to appologize but maybe that would serve no purpose, I want to undue the hurts and unravel the mechanism...all these words are just that...so I am fin.

....and resolute

2005-05-25T09:59:00.000-07:00

so maybe this is one of those words that I could use some better understanding of, so I reach for a definition or three. Resolute: firm in purpose or belief, firm or determined; unwavering. So how to stand resolute, firm in purpose.

engaged and resolute

2005-05-24T12:34:00.000-07:00

so these are my words of wisdom for the moment, sifted bits of inspired words that I have decided to fix in a given position so that I might come back to them and a later date and be reminded they where there. My life right now, well for quite some time as seems to be about a disillusionment of persective, a disintigration of what I thought I was, now I'm not so sure if it's about building up or tearing down anymore, but certianly it about being involved in the process, something my friends have heard me mention 'the dialog' which I see as an endless conversation, much like the axiomatic concept of 1>~<1 'the argument', there are some things that we may never agree on, if fact true agreement 1=1 nullifies the equation, A DJ friend from LCC was fond of the phrase 'I'm not like you', and you know what who is, who needs to be, the thread that ties up all together need not be so evident, and you could argue all day the differences and simularities, that's not the point. The point is that it is possible to touch the thread recognize our differences expand well beyond anything we might be able to ever know of another person. There are many people I have thought I've know well, only to find that I knew a preconception, an idea. Change is the only constant. Wow I think i'm off topic again, suprises there, but engaged nonetheless. One of my fascinations of late has been ideas of man machine identity nature culture society, of which I will write more. I'm still sorting, this reorganizing for me is also personal, it's reclaiming the parts of myself I've buried or ran from, it's about staying engaged, it a process of self discovery, and resolved to make something of it, what yet I'm not sure, and I can tell you the process itself at least is going from being something totally scatter to something that at least I can envision being a variety of interest, ideas, concepts, projects, that are a network of some sort, an extension of myself somehow. I have often been quite to excuse myself from the resposibility of this work, this art that is my life. And yes I guess I am an artist, I mean what other time of person would take recordings of the sounds of a soda can being crushed, or draw all those circles....and an artist I once met told me that the responsibility of an artist was to be a witness. To perhaps add illustration to the world, smash the mirror and glue the pieces back together. I promise I'll be getting to the interesting stuff soon, stories of personal fear and self loathing, of overcoming ridiculous misfortune, and more the likely a lot of fragmented abstractions, and try to avoid getting beyond my scope for the time being. Well to all I would like to say, take care.

2005-05-20T23:45:00.000-07:00

lately I have been doing a lot of digging through the treasure chest of personal memories. Memory is something I struggle with, it seems that I have manage to learned to repress many of my memories of childhood, and since I have spent so much of my life trying to create that gap, to seperate myself from them, from my family. There are things that I do remember, and there are things that I really just wish I could forget. But one thing I have learned as I throw myself out into the community and start to try to relate to other human being is how many people's self identity is strongly grounded in how they relate to their families. And as I try to explore my own sense of identity, and I have to answer questions about my childhood things get fuzzy. I would like to think that somewhere I have pleasant childhood memories much like everyone else does, they are surely those little gems that are buried under the muck. I was more then content with that seperation for several years, I moved away from home when I was 18, to live with my maternal grandparents. It was the day after my 27th birthday, in February of 2004, that my grandmother passed away, the cancer had spread to fast despite the surgical attempt to remove it. My mother, and 2 of my sisters came to the funeral. This was in the wake of a relationship that was already in decay, me grasping at treads of understanding on many personal levels, and feeling like I was in a fog of confusion about much of it. So this experience of death, and loss happened on many levels, and memories of my childhood resurfaced to haunt me. So, as I take a intermission from dreaming, I will be posting of some of those memories, of family, of home, childhood, and perhaps even some more recent....with the hope of discovering something buried beneath the surface....

another day on this road I travel

2005-05-20T15:21:00.000-07:00

There are some answers for which all the libraries in the world, all the words, compiled and cross referenced, will not reveal. Some places in time that some how seem clearer and more real. Of late, it seems that to climb is the only way to go, despite the almost inevitable chance that a decent will again follow. This also means confrontation, and an end to certian allowances, trades for convienience, because do demand more of myself means reclaiming something back from those that have been allowed to pick at the pieces of me for which I cared so little. Digging at the roots so as to replant where there is room for growth. The well is deep, and the waters that run are infinate as time itself. Who is there to blame? If I knew what I know now, I would never have been where I was, and then where would I be now, if not here? Beyond any single moment, a life composed of many, memories, sacrifices, mistakes, unspoken treasures. I remember the dead day, and the transition to grey, living in a space to small for me with no room to grow, but my home my shell is cracking, and the air is sweet. The trails that lead forward, lead to trial know and unknown. So what will me choose the secret or the mystery? It was over a year ago that I looking into my heart and saw the anger that still consumed me, that I allowed to seperate me from the outside. Since then I've tried to hard to kill it, knowing that it could only bring pain. Sought to heal myself to isolation, to lock myself away from any who would get close, but some healing cannot take place in isolation. Some anger is justified, and somethings are worth giving up life for. But also accepting death and living life is true courage, why be one of those that is just waiting to die. I can't make assumptions beyond my own capacity, but I can attain live within my own capactiy. Breathe.....perhaps I've said to much, perhaps not enought, but for now I shall remain silent, the play continues, some of us have made perdictions regarding the upcoming scenes, no matter what the outcome I'll be there....

intermission

2005-05-16T15:22:00.000-07:00

popcorn, peanuts, a spectalular dissillusionment, a future found in my past, the machines ciruitry is gutted and rewired, a short nap, I was proven wrong, what a wonderful feeling, dancing in the eyes of worlds that await.....

If I saw me would I recognize me there...

2005-05-16T10:58:00.000-07:00

John and Bill showed up friday night, the initial plan was to go to Tsumani's, a dance club, there failed to be any cohession there, and I was certian they charged a cover charge which I at least could not afford, so we got beers, and slowly the rest of the old gang showed up. Tom and Char, Adrian, Brian, and BJ. John was excited that he had finally read Dune, apparently from an early age him mother had said he should read it, then his sister, and then me on numerous occasions. So I was able to have the discussion of the meaning of Leto's golden path, the horizon beyond which the great sandworm could no longer predict the future for man, his role as a God became obselete, this to me is about free will in a way, and symbolic of living beyond a calculated destiny, over the horizon of forsight. We also discussed the question of what was the origin, and how did the Honored Martes evolves out of the scattering, which I believe that they where Bene Gesserit originally and when their supply of spice was diminish they had to find some alternative way produce the chemicals necessary to extend life and there abilities. They certianly differ from the bene gesserit by quite a bit, but still the aim is social control, Bene Gesserit's use religion, whereas the Martes have developed a system of domination through sex. The other big questions for me is Duncan Idaho, who is perpetually cloned throughout Leto IIs reign and beyond. Why Duncan, and I would say that he represent the characteristic that Leto has lost, humanity, particually the noble Atredies traits of loyalty and self sacrifice, what Leto was trying to save but could not be. Adrian explain a bit about dual core processors, which was also very fascinating and I was able to draw analogy to the binary nature of the human brain with a chip that had a dual cpu, each side specializing in different type of processing. I enjoyed spending time with some of the people I've known longer then anyone in this area, people all connected by having spend much of thier lives involved in roleplaying games, reading and video games.

Later that evening much of the group left, and BJ and Bill decided that we where going to go to Tsumani's a dance club. Bill bought me and AMF, a pretty burly mixed drink that was blue, and between sips I spent a good amount of time out on the dance floor, totally into the dance, something I thouroughly enjoy. We left around 2, and I got home and was online chatting for a while before I crashed, ended up an online conversation about geology, I ended up helping someone with my web researching and finding links about a fossil formation, don't remember what it was called anymore, but it was prevelant in Michigan, and I believe even the Michigan state rock.

Saturday I had to work, somehow I manage to do alright working on only 4 hours sleep, something I do perhaps a bit more often then I should. Saturdays aren't really that busy anyway, so I had a chance to read and setup site meter for this blog, think I got some posts in even.

Well Saturday evening, I got home from worth and there was a message from Bill saying he would pick me up between 7-8, we where going to a bbq party at Frank's, in Cottage Grove. This ended up being a really fun party, again John and all our friend, and Frank, and a bunch of his friend, so over half the people there I had never met before, there was a bonfire, and a really neat tent setup with sofas and a table.....(to be continued)

where am I now?

2005-05-13T15:35:00.000-07:00

Well at this point I can say that I am uncertian how to approach life, perhaps I spend to much like trying to decided on a method or avoid one altogether. Moments of clarity led me to the realization that I think to much of the world in terms of the human race, or the human condition, and seeing it as somewhat disfunctional. This mode of thought separates from the realization of the natural world, in which humans are a part, but our play is nothing compared the the beauty of the stage upon which is it carried out, from the savage brutality of it to the simple beauty, flowers for example, and in contract, what is the human drama compared to the magnitude of this, and we as much a part of it. I feel myself tugged back and forth like a pendulum, from persuit, activity and avid attention to life back to moment of doubt and time passing without real recollection or even interest. One week filled with quite walks and thoughts of life and the future, potentiality, and the next with what has come before defeats and failures. The future is as unknown as the recollections of the past are inconsistent. This never turn out quite how you expect them to. But where do I go from where, what it is I want for myself, I pretend to want nothing, that my needs are simple, or that I am not worthy of much more then the little bit of space I have left, my quiet cave....have I always lived like this, no in many ways this is more real then any previous incarnation. Perhaps I try to hard to seperate myself from my youth, as I struggle to find some piece of it, of me that is consistant, that has not remade itself. I started out on a quest for origin, and I have made many guesses about my nature...about my 'self' in all is variable forms....angles which even i cannot see or begin to imagine, so why do I play at this, if I unravel all the layers what is left, to realize that it is all a construct, a clever fiction, then why not play it for what it is...well back to work, because there is work to be done

choclate cake and cellphones

2005-05-13T11:36:00.000-07:00

Well had an interesting series of dreams last night, the first of which I can recalled had me in conversation with my ex-wife, in which she told me she was having another child, the whole thought of which is just not right, fortunately hours later I remembered that she is incapable of having any more children because she got surgery to take care of that. Well in the dream we where walking and having this conversation, well she left to go to church, and I continued to walk down the street, which was very reminiscent of the street that runs next to the old high school in Cottage Grove, interestingly enough this landscape appeared in another dream recently the one which this stormy town where I was investigating the murder of my brother. The road does down hill, and as I walked further along I ran across BJ and Brant. They where carrying furniture and they walked along, Brant had a dresser or filing cabinent that was black or blue, and BJ had a worn wooden table. I offered to assist BJ with the table, and Brant crossed the street going right, and we cut across a parking lot to the left. We came to a small, small meaning disportionately small, Mexican restaurant, and we left the table outside where it looked like it has been borrowed from...then we where in the restaurant, I was waiting while BJ was talking to someone, the impression was that he worked there, as we where on our way out, two older gentlemen where drinking an orange drink and talking, the one was getting up and offered his glass to BJ, who took a drink, as the second one got up he gave me his glass, the drink was quite like Tang. They left us their table where there was a chocolate coconut brownie cake, which we ate and drank the tang drink. Then I woke up.

The next I remember bits of was on the futuristic side, with kiosks where you could purchase through credit anything, I was with friend buy tickets to a movie, this future was a world where most of what was on television was a cross between bad cable news and SNL, politics being the joke of the day, and any politician who could be poked for reason was. The think I remember most vividly was a bit of technology that was a card that when with your cellphone, it was called a RELAX, and it would automatically mute cellphones while in movie theatres and would transcribe to text any messages that where left, I was examining one while in the theatre and am sure there where other option, just as full transcription of any conversation. The overall structure of this dream has faded I do remember there was some choice between 2 different movies both with popular actors, and again the subtext was that there where political elements as well, like and exaggeration of the already bipolar pop culture perception of politics that is evident today, in other words a world gone madder.

Maintenance

2005-05-11T17:06:00.000-07:00

the door is ajar....ding....ding...the door is ajar....

2005-05-11T15:36:00.000-07:00

that which we share is evident, that which separates us more difficult to define, discrimination, authority, who is the target audience, If I'm not speaking for myself then who do I speak for which is easier, which is cowardice, to profess my flaws or my strengths, in which do I have faith? What does the audience see, target or otherwise, not all struck, making an impression?? Sometime the truest individualization is the deviation from assumed deviation. What do they tell the fledgling actor, imagine the audience naked, hmm...maybe that's not always a helpful image, but the truth is naked, sometimes it sags a bit in places, and sometimes it's simply a choice....for the choice is always the same.....processed in binary....off or on, yes or no, every second....the how is an illusion I create every time I don't make that choice....and it is simple.... relationship...exchance....transmit....trasmit...trasmit....

words

2005-05-10T18:37:00.000-07:00

after all the words are said, what can is there to say,
sit still and listen, we shall have no peace today,
no freedom from troubles no absence of strife or struggle,
get up go to work, get down feel the earth,
erode beneath are feet,
we breakdown as we breathe,
we breathe....

an idea, radius and reflection, counter intuitive, sometimes reactionry and unaware, strife and struggle, for an absense of strife and the struggling, grasping at what, for who holds tomorrow, pass the salt, pass the bottle, sit down and stay a while, tell me some sorrow I have not known, not just an imagines trespass or forshadowing of impending doom, there is alway impeding something breaking in the distance, getting closer, and then not at all what it ever, completely broken down, not what we were ever shall we be, but nothing other that, was we have always been, falling down, arising, unarriving.....where was I?

lost post volume one

2005-05-10T18:28:00.000-07:00

I guess it would probably be a good idea to be aware of blogger downtimes....had a nice post written out a review of zardoz and about the frustrations of my weekend, well guess it's nothing worth holding onto. There's alway something else like....check out Doctor Paradox ....
http://creativecommons.org/weblog/entry/4161

'if illusion and reality are different....
they are also very much the same.
embrace everything,
condemn nothing.'

no title can i edit that later I wonder

2005-05-06T11:02:00.000-07:00

I'm really to tired to have much to say, so I'm just gonna write and see what happens. I am trying to write here as much as possible, just for the practice of writing, and to open the gates and let out all those thought anxieties self critical thoughts and grand or not so grand relevations, because I might not be able to say it all but I can say something, I can pour words on the page, rearrange them a million ways. After years of being washed in the tide of poetic expression and attempts to grasp at the intangible, what is washed away and what is worn thin, time for something with a but more form. Let's attempt full sentances even. Friends have suggested I attempt a novella, or perhaps a short story, I think I'm working my way up to that. Certianly something more then fragmented words, scribbles on paper, squigley lines. There was a time when I doubted words, thought their true meanings where something beyond my grasp. So now I write, unfolding those crumpled up pieces of paper, picking up a pen, puting fingers to the keys and filling in blanks, and maybe not every word is exacting in detail, perhaps that is something that will come with time, or perhaps what is revealed is more then adequate, and the process certianly much more liberating then holding a pen and waiting for the perfect words.

drunk after a punk show

2005-05-06T01:29:00.000-07:00

and still the best thing of my day is simple, a hug, drunken and enjoying the disfuction that is evident in the smell of adrenaline and sweet, punks reek of sweat, a girl was asking for a pipe so smoke some hash oil, there was an after party where was it 19th and adams or was it adler, who knows, I am drunk, and listening to a song entitled ghost-town of my brain....never much cared for punks I mean what's it all about being too drunk to fuck, wasted and nihilistic, now that's something to live for, I mean really, where's that going, guess for some of us that's where you have to be to realize there is somewhere else to go. Gotta admit the dance is the dance despite the occasional shove, cause what can you do but shove back, as expected. Had some pretty good beer, some Caldera Stout, and a Black Butte Porter, which is certianly a standard. Almost didn't go, distracted by conversation of nature, man, techn0logy, and how will the whole thing work out, and what it means to be a post modernist, to live with an idea of what is beyond the chaos reshaping every moment of our systematicly structured existance. Something the punk has no concept of.
To me punk is about the chaos without vision, without heart, but still its something real, there is a passion to it, something I can dance to, and when someone steps in my circle I shove back as expected, give back, is there love in that or what?

shatter the mirror....

2005-05-05T16:26:00.000-07:00

i barely recognize this face, and it's so inconsistant, each time I see something different, a warrior, a poet, the smirk of a prankster, a vile thing, one who waits and listens, that lost look again. they are all and not the same as I. I dream for answers, and am given riddles. The most vivid was of me and the primative man stating at the base of a tree which was not a tree but was the whole of the human evolutionary process, the base of the tree was a cluster of transmigratory souls, bright light, and as you went up several plateus, I could see up to the highest plateu and there was a woman looking down and me, expectingly, waiting. All my life I have heard the words like 'achieveing your full potential'....do I have so much 'potential', perhaps to much that the thing about potential is something like waiting in line, but for what, what's at the end of that line, or the next, where does it go? Every choice, action, excludes another, 'there's no such thing as a right decision' , but what about a wrong one, experience would tell me there seem to be plenty of those, plenty of dead ends, brick walls, that have to be scale, or broken down, and here I am looking back at me, will I remember the one who wrote this.

There was a child who told me my name, he dream many days to come to this, this name, it was the one I had always know, but only when the child spoke the word did I know its meaning. It was no word every spoken in any languange previously know to man, for it had a shape, it spanned time, and was brilliant in colour. It also belonged to another one who would be me when I was no longer.

Take me to your garden of tears, and learn me to dream, forget my fears,
we tend the earth as we where born to be, watch the skys and speak of dreams,
we've killed our fathers, and made new songs from ancient hymns...

another dream I come to a small town where it is always raining, I am investigating the death of a family member, possibly a brother, everyone I meet is aware of why I am there and more then forthcoming, I play roleplaying games with people in a van, the eventually give me my next contact who lives by the high school, the person I mean knows me tell me and again is more then forthcoming with information both about myself and my reasons for being here, things about myself that I did not even know. This town is along the ocean and beyond the ocean lies the answer. Somehow the town is under the influence of the WOTC, and they are more then just the company that has renewed interest in roleplaying games, perhaps a secret order, and there I am investigating a murder in their territory, now a pawn in a story that is bigger then the any I have ever.....

around the block....a day, and a week, things previously unspoken

2005-05-02T01:27:00.000-07:00

it's a short trip down to the park where I swing, why do I swing, it's a childish thing, and on the headphones burroughs speaks of western lands, the road is devious unperdictable, a dangerous road, I have failed every trial set before me, burnt so may bridges and made a toy of all that might be a tool, a fool, suffering for his own folly, and yet I must continue, next track, el hombre, the man, when does a chld become a man....I stand before you may I pass, may I pass, do I have to ask. And what of that girl, the one who will one day cry on my shoulder, do I ask her, do I tell her what I see, where I've been, of my folly and quests for redemption, that my heart is pounding, and it frightens me, of the daydreams. The sand stuck to my shoes makes the pavement uneven as I leave the playground, but by the time I round the corner it has been worn away. I think maybe I should see someone on the street and give them this disc, so they may hear what I have heard. Another corner, a shadow on the grounds startles me briefly, I walk further. My heart beats, my heart beats, has it ever been so apparent, so much joy and sorrow awaits up before we reach the shore, did I imagine what I saw that day, was it a glimpse of a heaven with all it joys and sorrows, or a clever illusion, a daydreamers picnic beside a field of tall grass with a girl will cry on my shoulder. I loose my footing pavement i step on is cracked and sloping at 2 different angles, I was distracted by a what looked like a road sign, to dark to make out, in lawn of a house as I pass. The day after a daydream a terror settles over, this is all illusion, distraction, my heart beats, but this time, panic, where is this, how can any of this be anything more then a fantasy that will leave me feeling defeated. Further down the block is a the sweet smelling flowers, honeysuckle, I pass once, and then when the fragrance hits me I back of and stop to smell again...is there a land beyond fear. The heart beats, the heart beats, it will have to be removed ripped out of my chest and planted firmly in the ground where it can grow on it's own, let it be the best of me, you can bury the rest of me. What is the one things on my mind: fear redemption fire eternity the clouds and your eyes reality destiny words quid est veritas sorrow tears laugher joy chance or fate pleasure pain nothingness and nowhen existance sex and death ".....a moment later..........and so at last I understood......go."

...til you wake up, dreams come undone...

2005-04-25T10:48:00.000-07:00

A momentary affirmation, the shade walks takes slow steps and brief moments of full tangibility, before returning to her ellusive form. Now I am left with the memories of the voiceless whispers, calling out to me. For what, I ask, what sort of redemption does this spirit seek?

We woke up today making a game of throwing coins in the sand
they sand slowly and we walked away,
forgetting why we came to the desert
why we abandoned the labors of the previous years
that have given us such joy
provides solace through the tears

Have we come with gifts to this celebration?
My day holds memory of your lips, something yet unsaid, and silent greeting.
We walk through the path of one another and you speak to me of the things you fear, none of this do you say, nor do you need to. Will you sing new songs as I dedicate words in your honor, hold you as you cry, it won't be long and the play will be over. Prizes will be awarded, the ones you've always been waiting for. The highest plateu is your, you know. A dedication ceremony, and other rites of passage, trials and revelations, tears and annointed tongues, wine glasses and slow dances through fire. Earth is not so silent, as a great river washes away the skin, we are worn to nothing that can't be purified by flame. Accept the invitation, fire sand to glass, build a castle of this, through which light can pass.

Blog or be blogged

2005-04-20T11:45:00.000-07:00

rain drops fall in 4/4 time

2005-04-18T11:40:00.000-07:00

Crawled into bed around 3 am this morning. Contemplating the illusions that seperate me from that place of rest. There will be no lingering memories of dreamstate when I awaken in 5 hours, only the realization of the urgency required to catch my bus and get to work. The drops that fall from the gutters land in a steady beat, easy to render in the consciousness as being in 4/4 time, with a pleasant counter beat provided by the drips and drops that fall and spash blip with less resonance then the steady metronome of the drops that fall from the gutter and splash.
Blip, Blip, Blip, Blip.
...to the splash, and another, that falls, splash.

These simple rythmes are at the heart of it all....slow it all down and they are everything, resonance, frequency, pitch, wave form, that's the beauty of it all, virbration emenanating from source. When the world of a water drop means the magnetic field of pavement, a splash, a vibrations that collides with molecules of 'air' that carry the wave to the ear....

A metaphor for my whole existance....

2005-04-15T11:52:00.000-07:00

So as I lay in my bed, reeling with the blissful disconnected feeling that a couple of 500mg tablets of vicodin can provide, on the verge of sleep, dream, is that predream state where visions of light flash through my head, words and sounds (yes there where sounds, this doesn't happens often). The audio portion of this predream dreaming was a child's audio being played on a 45, something I had heard earlier that day, a playback from a few hours earlier. The words where my own poetic ramblings, and I knew then to be that metaphor for my whole exhistance. Something like being pulled from a void, looking up through darkness, now I remember, standing on the bottom of the ocean staring up at myself, swimming on the top of that vast ocean. There where layers of murky depths between me and me. many potentialities manifest throughout the pseudo dream state, salvation, words, damnation, darkness, a hand reaching down through the depths, a turtle floating by, that girl from work says something to me and keeps typing, I should be typing, I should type this all down, I should remember this it is useful, like that dream where I followed my father sucessfully through what whould appear to be dreaming rituals, only to have to stop to help my brother prepare the wood and tarp for proper dreaming, knowing he could not defeat the nightmare, but this is duty.....still these are all destortions, remember a dream, even a waking one, become somewhat like trying to hold the amorpious solid in one form, and you awake when you like it your not you force that holds the shape of the dream slips and the substance starts to slip through your fingers. All I remember of the dream is goo. All I can describe is perhaps the colour, texture, flavour of the goo, not the shape, the points of that connected the whole, that gave it form. And as I passed into unconsciousness I know I must save as much of this as I can.....a voice is laughing somewhere in the distance.....and I awaken the next morning tounge as course as sand.

Every moment of the day

2005-03-11T16:22:00.000-08:00

there is nowhere to run anymore, no place to hide.
every move you make reveals you to to world, the mechanism of a machine that is crumbling to dust. There is a beauty in this, or at least I tell myself there needs to be. With each moment of the day my mind wanders is search of something formless and yet more concrete then form allows. Today is a day like any other. I woke up a vessel of unspeakable abstraction, also helplessly pathetic in a way that is thouroughly human. And as I step into the dress of conciousness I same question haunts me, what if this is real, perhaps I am ego tripping at the gates of hell, awaiting an invitation....gravity is a relatively weak force....remembering the current...stay the current...

you are here right now, forget the rest

2004-10-07T20:12:00.000-07:00

there is no matter outside the unfolded moments of now, this is real and you are here. Thought of what has come before or what will be are a distraction, an illusion. As I rode my bike down now the bike path out towards Fern Ridge, I did my best to remind myself that, I would find that my inner monolouge wanted to jump to thoughts of a girl who's name I don't know, or some self accusatory thought, on the tears of a dream unrealized in the waking world. You are here right now, this is real, and all else is nothing, was my mantra as I rode down the winding path, over the cracks in the gravel. Thoughts of how do I fix this thing, this life, was Nietzsche right when his madman declared "God is dead" and has realization of this plunged the world into nihilism. Again I had to remind myself, that I was right there riding my bike, and the sky was with is one strip of fractured cloud was highlighted by the last light of the setting sun. Was Morrissey correct when he said "The woman of my dreams, She, She never came along, The woman of my dreams, Well, There never was one". I am here right now, and I'm looking for something, but there is only this moment. The first poem I ever wrote was entitled Unconsciousness. That's not really what the poems was about, it was actually just me putting my inner monologe on paper, the little bits of it I could get down. And that's what I did for a while, just let all my doubts, and accussion, questions, find there way onto paper, at least as much of it as I could get down. I need a recording device. I am here now and maybe all I have is the rambling thought it my head. There where signs that read the underpass may be slippery or flooded, they where not. My ex says I made her feel intellectually inferior, I never meant to do that, she's one of the more intelligent people I know. I just happend to be interested in things most people seem to have no interest in, always have been, I as questions of the world, want to understand something of it. Time......chaos, void, mother, goddess, sun, moon, >.<, 0, dreams, and daggers, death,corax, and scraficial offerings,for science.....just right now breathing.....if right now cause or effect, okay this could get very existensial if i let it so I will stop for now.

Trout's Creedo

2004-10-05T17:49:00.000-07:00

"You were sick, but now you're well, and there is work to do." Just finished Vonnegut's Timequake. I really enjoyed it, made me laugh quite a bit, and even tear up at stops. Vonnegut says that having an extended family is extremely important, and certianly he view humor as something to be valued as well. It's amusing to read the writing of an author talking to and about his alter-ego, who has definatley taken on a life of his own. Who could deny the wisdom of Kilgore Trout, a war veteran who has spent much of his life on the streets, writing science fiction short stories that he usually throws in the trash. Trout see and understands the timequake for what is it, a replay, and when free will kicks in again. He had an idea as to what needs to be done. The world is shaken with Post Timequake Apathy, but it's over, 'you where sick, but now your well, and there is work to be done.' Well I should get back to work.

9/9/04

2004-09-09T16:33:00.000-07:00

beat ticka ticka dai dai... Gotta appreciate when you stubble accross a really good music, the kinda that make you move in several directions all at once. Very little beats that in my opinion. If life is something that should not have been and humans are wraught with the urge to destroy themselves and other in the process, as suggested by Shopenhauer and Vonnegut for example. Then music is the best reason I can think to keep going, despite ourselves we have and will continue to make beautiful music. Reading Kurt Vonnegut's Timequake currently, if you haven't ready anything by this guy, well you should, damned amusing. As mentioned earlier he talk a decent amount about the sucidal nature of the human race. There are Vonnegut's favorite quote's as he states them in the book, "How the hell did I do that?", "Who is it they say I am?", and "We are here to help each other get through this thing, whatever it is."