Rebirth

There are likely so many words I could use to describe the thoughts and feeling I've experienced in the last week, but I'm too exhausted to list a fraction of them so I won't make the attempt. I am like a newborn, weak and dependent. I am lost and not alone. Where I find myself is gracefully in a state that is ungrounded, and yet I have the capacity to navigate. That capacity is something I've been building, the ability to function is a state of humble, open, vunerable, sometimes frightened, but as genuine and without ego as possible; inertia. I know what has to be done, so I let myself to it, with out much thought or consideration. There are only consequences if I fail to do what needs to be done, so that's what I must do. I will not list my accomplishments, but I will say that at the root of the work is a grasping to become what I value, find joy in the truth of who I am, and also a desire to find stable ground. And that last might not be something that I ever find. I may have to be tossed by the necessity of the moment, but if I do with from the right framework, with sincerity and compassion, the I will find a place among the fellow humans I'm meeting and have yet to meet. I am profoundly greatful to all whom have extended me their aide, friendship, trust, and respect. My only drive is to be as worthy and capable as all whom have done some believe me to be. Thankfully I share their faith, I recognize any fear and doubt withing myself as being transitory, because it all is. And I'm ready to rock this and claim my kingdom, join my tribe, and love every minute I get.

The Destroyers - Where Has The Money Gone - 2010

test

crowned maiden

I awake yesterday morning, as I have in the past, grasping to a thought, an impression, with vague awareness that gelled only long enough for me to provide the brief description I will attempt right here. There was a woman beautiful, but the details of her face are lost to waking awareness. Her hair was dark, it may have been long or short, it seems that it is likely it was dark and thick. Her head was rounded by a gold band a crown that could have been a couple inches from top to bottom. There where clearly letter in the back, empty spaces had be cut out so that there could be. I have the impression of trying to read what was written there, and the words changing, being unfixed, and the word on this band could have been other words until it settled on the one that I remember it being. Which was Memory.

All these things we do

the meanings we have yet to know, hoping they will plant the seeds of a greater understanding. Yeah that's just a poetic way of saying, here I am sitting here listening to a song in french. And does it even matter if I ever learn french, I don't really think so, the music is enjoyable. But it's true, I think there are so many things we do without realizing their meaning, or do they even have meaning, or perhaps the meaning will be filled in later, then we have the words to give meaning to the actions.

In the beginning he blogged

okay well it wasn't actually be beginning, it was more like what 3 years ago, I'm not certain and I should probably check the dates really. Maintain the continuum and all that. Speaking of which, I have in mind an up and coming project that I may need help with. So if who knows me personally still periodically checks my blog, which I have not posted on in quite some time, please contact me regarding a biographical work I have in mind. So yeah it was a few years ago and I did blog semi regularly there for a while, partially out of boredom, I was working at Acute-Hell at the time, and was in from of a computer all day with very little to entertain myself beside the interweb, an occasional jigsaw puzzle or book. I spend a while working on the dimensions of perception projects, which was to random and chaotic to do much with but seems likely that I will be able to use some of the seeds in future developments. Some of the ideas, themes and theories I explored with that have grown and evolved for me as well, and I may even begin to explore some of them here. But for now I think I will post an update, a kinda where are you know. (now that I have sufficiently rambled)

So if you don't know me or if you do, here are the facts. My name is Zachariah, this year I turned 31 years of age, my son Michael turned 9 this year. I currently work 4 days a week in a retail outlet, putting milk eggs and cheese on the shelf. I also attend Lane Community College, where I have started working towards an Associate of Arts Transfer degree with this intent of perusing further degrees in the field of education. I say this tentatively as I am aware of how plans can change. My hobbies as of current, still include riding my bicycle, which I do less often now that I attend school and it is easier for me to hop on a bus. Reading, I just picked up Hunters of Dune, which is the first of two books that are to conclude the story written by Frank Herbert, his son Brian has written this book as well as a number of prequel books to the series. I am interested in the content, but because frustratingly disappointed at time with the lack of subtlety and nuance of the writing. For example, in this book there have been at least three references alluding to The Odyssey, Frank would have maybe thrown one in there and let you catch it if you did, whereas Brian seems to want to spell it out for you. Gar! Oh well like I said the content is interesting, and I may write further review of the novel at a later date. So, I am attending class at Lane 5 days a week, my classes include Tai Chi, Sociology, Electrical Theory 1, and Basic Communications. After this term I will have a total of 28 credits, 4 from Fall of 2002, and 12 from Spring 2007. This year will be the first year I go the full school year, and make school my primary focus. I was very excited when I learned that I have a bit over $7000 being given to me for the year for school. Other then that my life consists of social interaction with some people I've grown to cherish as much as learned to tolerate. I have a few friends that I carry out ongoing phone conversations with and that has been great. One thing I struggle with right now is that I don't get much sleep, which I am entirely aware is of my own doing. Oh yes, I know have a laptop, so I would like to get into the practice of blogging more frequently, I have a lot of thoughts that have been left internalized and that are ripe to be explored. Also wanting to decide of a medium for my spanning project, again I will need help with this one, so be prepared for a few questions regarding yours truly.

nusuth

dreams

last night I dreamed that there were many people assembled in a theater, I was on stage with some others, and we where playing some game, I was chosen to be emperor of Rome, others on stage where my generals and other important roles. This seemed to be some sort of game, and we where elected or chosen to play these different parts. I got on stage and declared we should have a war, I would try to shout my ideas to the audience, but often my second in command standing next to me would yell out and between him and the responses I would be drowned out by noise....


another...
I was shrouded by what was a horrible cloak, it covered me and enveloped me in darkness, I had to find and work my way out from the inside, and finally I broke free, I mastered the horrible cloak and it was under my control. When I was out of it King Authur stood before he, he was my son, Michael, only older, and he was asking for my aide, for I was Merlin. Him has his Knight require access to a magical realm so they could do battle with the vile agents that presided in that realm. There was a portal, but they needed a bridge, so I laid my cloak down between the space of this realm and the other, and they used it as a bridge.

another...
swimming to find hot spring, monks guarded it, it was under water..

About Me

Here are the facts as best I can relate them. Today is the day after Winesday, I got my first paycheck in a while and got my phone reconnected, and picked up a few other thing along with a bottle of wine yesterday and declared it to be wine's day. Fred Meyer had a Dancing Bull Merlot on sale, honestly not the best Merlot I've had to date. One I like in particular, thus far in my wine trying experiences, would be Trinity Oak, there Merlot was quite good, also Smoking Loon has a rather good Merlot as well. As you can guess, I like Merlots, that's just how it is. So about me....30 now, I spent my summer mostly unemployed, after a quite successful term out at Lane Community Collage. I took 3 classes, Math 90, Introduction to Sustainability, and Microcomputer hardware. I aced two of my classes, it took some work, and I successfully manages and A in my math class. Microcomputer hardware was relatively easy, the lab in particular involved doing a lot of things I already knew how to do. Taking apart computers and putting them back together is something I've done quite a bit. The one class I didn't get an A in, rather I got a pass, because I was unsure of how my grade would turn out, I opted for the pass/no pass, was Intro to Sustainability. I probably learned more in that class then either of the others. Its also gave me a chance to get involved with the campus garden project, and I spent a good deal of my time going out to the garden and lending a hand with planting, and harvesting. Unfortunately, as soon as summer hit, I let everything drop. I had intended to stay involved with the garden, but I also needed a job, and had no way to get out there. I spent a few week just playing WoW and watching SciFi. Now I'm finally working again, which is good, but I won't be able to make it back to school til Winter at the earliest. Summer's are hard for me, and I'm not trying to make an excuse, but they are, I miss the best summer of my life, all those things that I would love to do, go out and hike and ride. I was there once, and I had someone to share it with, and everything since has paled in comparison.

So, for the last few weeks I've been working, got a job through a temp agency, and I am working a company that setups events, mostly for the UoO football games. My first week was tough, moving tables setting up chairs, and doing a lot of heavy lifting, on my feet for a sizeable chuck of the day. This Tuesday I worked a 10 hour day, working with 3 other guys, just setting up tents the whole time. It was the first day since I started there, that I my feet didn't feel like they where on fire by the end of the day. My had ended up a bit raw and with a few blisters, but that was alright.
There are a couple of the guys that I'm working with that I really appreciate and that makes it easier. Lorenzo, this really nice hispanic guy I work with has invited me to a bbq at his place Saturday, and it should be a lot of fun. He like electronic music, and has asked me to bring some Chemical Brothers so he can make a copy.

I haven't had the money to obtain much new in the way of music, most recently I bought the new Modest Mouse and I listen to it a lot. Before that I has been listening to the lastest Beck album a good deal. And still pulling out a lot of the old stuff and relistening.

With my spare time, I have been reading a few things, manage to read a few Robert Anton Wilson novels over the summer. The Sex Magicians I found online and read in a day. Hey, it was about orgasm research, and orgies and....yeah, it was interesting. Before that I finished Maskes of the Illuminati, another great RAW novel...oh and I finally got through VALIS, PKD, and Lies Inc. Lies Inc, was a little more difficult because of the editing, which I found out reading the notes at the end, they reinserted a part that had been written later back into the original version of the story, so everything after the point where the main character is struck with an LSD dart, was not within the context of the original version. Which is what threw me off the first time I tried to read it. And I also finished Hard Boiled Wonderland, and The end of the World, that was a interesting read. Right now I'm just a bit more then have way through Tom Robin's Even Cowgirls get the Blues, a very fun, witty, and insightful novel, the author has a way of meandering along and letting the story unfold, so that your not so much interested in the story itself, yet still wondering what happens next, but even moreso just being carried along as he seems to be in the telling. Also working my way through a more philosophical tome relating some of the basic concepts of theurgical magic, Regardie's Tree of Life. A lot of the concepts there will likely require years of study to grasp.

Other then that my time is spend some outside, biking there for a bit, something I will always enjoy, but unfortunately my last bike was stolen. And also watching the Sci Fi channel. I've been doing my best to follow the new Dr Who series, as well as some of the other shows, PainKiller Jane, and the new Flash Gordon. I recently found all of the Dr Who online that I had missed, and even the ones that hadn't been released in the ststes yet and watched them. So I'm caught up thought the ended up the year, until the Christmas Special, they seems to be doing one of those every year with the new series. There was a rather interesting 3 episode story arc, involving The Master, not sure I like the way it played out, the brought him back only to kill him off. The did a good job of contrasting him with the Doctor, making him the Nemesis. He was a total sadistic meglomaniac. And it was the Doctor's role to oppose him and forgive him in the end. It was well done, just though bringing him back to kill him off in 3 episodes was a bit of a let down.

more to come..

Little ghost ...dream...

they where closing down the shop...it was a building by itself in a field...I was browsing, and didn't realize until I looked up that you where there giving your fairwells to the owner...I walked out the door trying not to be noticed...you where outside getting on your bike...I was walking towards my bike and you where just beyond...I ran to catch up...and called after you..we embraced...forever and a day.

I got my Groove Salad back!

Yep it's true folks, and I don't know how I lived without it. All it took was reestablishing that sacred connection via a cable modem, cleansing myself of the version of WinAmp that not functioning, removing any associated registry files. And reinstalling the latest incarnation of the Nullsoft Inc. Llama....and here I am once again enjoying the enlightened state of being and piece of mind that is SomaFM so I've got my Groove Salad,