Decided that I could not possibly drink alcohol last night, I bought a bottle of merlot, and some breakfast stuffs from the store, came home did some dishes made a grilled cheese sandwhich and went to bed around 11...well I woke up at 4 or after 2 very vivid dream....one dream was more visual and I remember the images where a piece of paper being filled in like a black at white graphic novel, the story was about a girl growing up and the boxes filled where filled box by box, until it ended...the next dream my vision was blurred and I was in a room surrounded by people talking to and about me...they where going to do something to me for me...or I had some task...that involved possibly death, and certianly I was to be rend apart...mentally perhaps....there was speak of two parts that where disconnected and had to be seperated and brought back together....the faces I saw looked like to possibly, I guess at this, to be pre-colonial European...several had curls in their hair...and the impression I have now is that I may have been in a tavern or pub...
After waking around 4 I did not sleep for hours afterwards..move up drank some water and lay back down and entered a meditative breathing and streched...shifting position quite frequently...must have fell back to sleep cause I felt quite rested when I woke up sometime between 7 and 8 this morning.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Argh
ahhoy all he land lubbers, been a pirate all weekend this friday morning went we went out to SeaDog, what an interesting.....staggeringly good time...first day help setup with the Orc's Belly Bar, that took most of the day, and I hit the Rum hard that evening, so hard that recollecting that I made it back to the Orc's Belly was made more clear with photo evidence, and luckily I had friend who where able to drag me back to my tent, apparently I got quite philosophical about being helped to walk....walking is so moving' where the words recanted to me by Tom....woke in my tent later that evening...early morning perhaps to converse with the Voyeur encampment, and we where soon offered invite to Castilion fleet, real pirates, at least more experienced....I later ecorted a lady and a pirate back to her tent...that was day one, the next day was recovering and visiting the swimming hole, ahhh....topless sun bathing....that evening I woke up in orcs belly alone after passing out without seeing much of the topless knife fight....there are bits here and there I'm still piecing together....took me a while to get into it, and some of it was strange, by the time I got back sunday night I felt like a pirate....now where are the wenches....have to say my skills at wenching need improving....monday 10 hours of work seems strange, to be inside so long.....wierd....fell into broken speech and accents most of the day...and really wanted to get up and go to the river...
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
I want you to find happiness.....
when I start to have these realizations that I'm just getting by, that I haven't been happy in a while. Then I remember, I was happy, I know what makes me happy.....
I was standing on my front porch smoking a cigarette and trying not to think to much about the things I cannot change, because I don't have a solution, don't have the words right now, and would rather not say the wrong thing...I digress, where she was smiling back through the neighbors window, dark hair, raised eyebrow, that 'I know something you don't know' smile....oh my goddess, sweet agent of chaos in it's purest and most beautiful form....had to walk to get Empire Chinese Buffet out of Franklin, walked from the bus stop at the University, it was just a bit after 5, and I was late already, I had only a few dollars and wasn't going to spend $10 on buffet, so I drank water and listened engaged in conversation with the guys....John's farewell dinner...much of the conversation was beyond my scope, DPS ratios in WoW, what can I say just not that interested...John is going to Virgina to live with Dan and work on a programming project, something to do with creating an algorithm to indentify MP3s, likely for some purely evil purpose, but they are paying him LOTS of money, and that works for John....so we all got fortune cookies, and mine read something along the line of...Joy is not what you get, but what you give.....and the game was to and the words 'in bed' and the end...that works...definately. I've been in this slump for feels like a couple month, there are moments, but it's not like it was....I want to share it I want someone to share it with, I enjoy doing things for others, but after a while the cup is empty, and I get selfish, and close of to the world, waiting for something to happen, and there I have been....and so I'm outside on the porch smoking my cigarette, she's still smiling at me, her face big and bright, her dark eyebrow raised, yes she knows what it's all about....
I saved a Dragonfly today....it had clear wings with black spots and was caught on it's back on the pavement...it look incapacitated, but once I slipped a piece of paper under it, flipped him over and put him in the shade, and off he zipped....boom bip...move aside....let the man go....through
I was standing on my front porch smoking a cigarette and trying not to think to much about the things I cannot change, because I don't have a solution, don't have the words right now, and would rather not say the wrong thing...I digress, where she was smiling back through the neighbors window, dark hair, raised eyebrow, that 'I know something you don't know' smile....oh my goddess, sweet agent of chaos in it's purest and most beautiful form....had to walk to get Empire Chinese Buffet out of Franklin, walked from the bus stop at the University, it was just a bit after 5, and I was late already, I had only a few dollars and wasn't going to spend $10 on buffet, so I drank water and listened engaged in conversation with the guys....John's farewell dinner...much of the conversation was beyond my scope, DPS ratios in WoW, what can I say just not that interested...John is going to Virgina to live with Dan and work on a programming project, something to do with creating an algorithm to indentify MP3s, likely for some purely evil purpose, but they are paying him LOTS of money, and that works for John....so we all got fortune cookies, and mine read something along the line of...Joy is not what you get, but what you give.....and the game was to and the words 'in bed' and the end...that works...definately. I've been in this slump for feels like a couple month, there are moments, but it's not like it was....I want to share it I want someone to share it with, I enjoy doing things for others, but after a while the cup is empty, and I get selfish, and close of to the world, waiting for something to happen, and there I have been....and so I'm outside on the porch smoking my cigarette, she's still smiling at me, her face big and bright, her dark eyebrow raised, yes she knows what it's all about....
I saved a Dragonfly today....it had clear wings with black spots and was caught on it's back on the pavement...it look incapacitated, but once I slipped a piece of paper under it, flipped him over and put him in the shade, and off he zipped....boom bip...move aside....let the man go....through
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Changed Man and the Queen of Wands
abstract:
We are all just playing parts in a story, are some of these role inevitable, can any of it be foretold, if you could know the future, would you want to, is any of this misery and heartache of life unavoidable, Who is the Queen of wAnds, how can we be certain of the role we play in anyone's life?
speculation:
Could she be one of the lovely daughters of Themis, or mayhap of Mnemosyne.
current events:
I recently finished reading an amazing short story by Orson Scott Card, entitled The Changed Man and the King of Words, this was from a collection of 4 volumes of short stories, entitled Maps in the Mirror. Volume one, where this story can be found, is The Hanged Man, tales of dread. There is another story in this collection about a man who blows his head off, and this continues to write a letter explaining how he had decided upon such action as a means to end the cold war between and lack of passion in his relationship. What can you say to that, there are a lot of more interestingly self destructive actions, I'm sure I would take first before blowing my brains out personally, then again, I've been there and really if it's not working for you find what does, haven't watched my parent in an abusive relationship, I've come to believe that if it isn't working move on. Not that I'm one to give relationship advice at this point.......Okay, punctual, really....The Change Man and the King of Words....Story is about a couple who finds out that the wife is pregnant, but was advised by her doctor that she would not come to term and should abort the child, else he would be underdeveloped and have several health and mental defects....Well, being a very stubborn woman she refuses....Child is born....Not only is he healthy both mentally and physically, but he's a genius, learning to read and crawl well beyond average (bear in mind same guy who wrote Ender's Game, child genius is a recurring theme with Card). This child develops a love for stories, whenever there was a book in the house he would insist upon his parents reading it to him, not only that, but he wanted to act out the stories, and his parents would became his cast, and he would direct and act is these story plays. After years of his father had enough, a man of science, a king of words, he refused to act is his sons play, and focus his time on work, manipulating DNA, he was a biochemist. The son and his mother continued the plays and as he grew older he absorbed a vast array of stories. The father thought the acting had stopped, but it continued with a game where they would throw in quote or refeances to the stories in their daily conversation. The boy and the father grew apart, the father as a gesture, bought the boy this Tarot deck he was looking at while they where shopping one day. And the boy became obsessed with making a computer program that would aid him in reading the cards, he redesigned many of the cards, realizing that the faces on the card where the faces from all the stories he knew so well, from characters of Shakespear plays to those of Greek mythology. Well that's as much of Card's story that I am going to tell, if your curious, you should read it.
So after reading this story, I was reminded that I have a tarot deck, and some understanding of the interpretation of the cards, I still consult the book it came with, and other books that I have for definitions of cards, and I find that the meanings are vague and give a lot of room, well, to make it up, to make a story out of the way the card some together in front of you. I've come to see the cards as a way to look at your story of where you are in life, a method of reflection. Since I finished that reading Card's Changed Man, layout down 3 Celtic cross spreads for myself, and had a friend lay down a similar spread, and this morning I did a past present future spread. The cards have told me many things, past pains, control, strength, love, insecurity, and a willingness to heal. A lot of what I got out of the cards I need to center to find the still place within myself and let go.
Now with all that, the one things that has been consistent is all 5 reading, is one card, the Queen of Wands, well she wasn't in the past present or future position of the spread I did this morning, but when I decided to pull another card, there she was smiling back at me.
Queen of Wands: Attractive Wholehearted Energetic Cheerful and self-assured
another description: she is a lovely country woman who is gracious and kind.
'In readings, the Queen of Wands asks you to think and feel as she does. For example: Do you feel attractive? Do you believe in yourself? Are you full of energy? Can you shake off the blues? Are you gung ho about life?'
Good question, am I, somewhere along the way I lost faith, faith in myself, what was at my core, who I was, and what I am capable of, and so I gave in to a preset condition of enduring, I'm good at enduring, I'm really good at enduring, going along with it, not rocking the boat, until I realize it doesn't work. I've felt the need to pretend most of to be something other most of my life. This post right here would assure my spot in Hades according to the belief of my grandparents. Being devote bible christians of the cult of judgemental christianity, the world is full of sinners, we feel better knowing we are loved by god, we will be saved. My parents are still very christian as well, and I try not to push the issue with my mother too much, and maybe oneday when I do have a conversation with my father prehaps I'll bring it up. Guess what Dad, your hypocritical practice of Christianity made me curious enough to explore other belief systems, some of it a bit of that new-age occult philosophy, much of it I find laughable now....many belief systems become quite laughable with enough perspective. Piers Anthony's Tarot trilogy stick out in my mind, a fictional story that follows through the suits of the major arcana, and proposes that tarot is the origin of playing card and was used to teach spiritual truths and hid their teaching from the Catholic Church which wanted to maintain dominance through keeping the population ignorant. Tarot and astrology where a part of that teenage rebellion against the belief system that was imposed on me, and has had an impact of me forming my own beliefs, something I'm still exploring. I'd had the fortune of being introduced to Joseph Campbell and comparative religion, myth, and also being intoduced to Taoism which is to be beautifully poetic.
We are all just playing parts in a story, are some of these role inevitable, can any of it be foretold, if you could know the future, would you want to, is any of this misery and heartache of life unavoidable, Who is the Queen of wAnds, how can we be certain of the role we play in anyone's life?
speculation:
Could she be one of the lovely daughters of Themis, or mayhap of Mnemosyne.
current events:
I recently finished reading an amazing short story by Orson Scott Card, entitled The Changed Man and the King of Words, this was from a collection of 4 volumes of short stories, entitled Maps in the Mirror. Volume one, where this story can be found, is The Hanged Man, tales of dread. There is another story in this collection about a man who blows his head off, and this continues to write a letter explaining how he had decided upon such action as a means to end the cold war between and lack of passion in his relationship. What can you say to that, there are a lot of more interestingly self destructive actions, I'm sure I would take first before blowing my brains out personally, then again, I've been there and really if it's not working for you find what does, haven't watched my parent in an abusive relationship, I've come to believe that if it isn't working move on. Not that I'm one to give relationship advice at this point.......Okay, punctual, really....The Change Man and the King of Words....Story is about a couple who finds out that the wife is pregnant, but was advised by her doctor that she would not come to term and should abort the child, else he would be underdeveloped and have several health and mental defects....Well, being a very stubborn woman she refuses....Child is born....Not only is he healthy both mentally and physically, but he's a genius, learning to read and crawl well beyond average (bear in mind same guy who wrote Ender's Game, child genius is a recurring theme with Card). This child develops a love for stories, whenever there was a book in the house he would insist upon his parents reading it to him, not only that, but he wanted to act out the stories, and his parents would became his cast, and he would direct and act is these story plays. After years of his father had enough, a man of science, a king of words, he refused to act is his sons play, and focus his time on work, manipulating DNA, he was a biochemist. The son and his mother continued the plays and as he grew older he absorbed a vast array of stories. The father thought the acting had stopped, but it continued with a game where they would throw in quote or refeances to the stories in their daily conversation. The boy and the father grew apart, the father as a gesture, bought the boy this Tarot deck he was looking at while they where shopping one day. And the boy became obsessed with making a computer program that would aid him in reading the cards, he redesigned many of the cards, realizing that the faces on the card where the faces from all the stories he knew so well, from characters of Shakespear plays to those of Greek mythology. Well that's as much of Card's story that I am going to tell, if your curious, you should read it.
So after reading this story, I was reminded that I have a tarot deck, and some understanding of the interpretation of the cards, I still consult the book it came with, and other books that I have for definitions of cards, and I find that the meanings are vague and give a lot of room, well, to make it up, to make a story out of the way the card some together in front of you. I've come to see the cards as a way to look at your story of where you are in life, a method of reflection. Since I finished that reading Card's Changed Man, layout down 3 Celtic cross spreads for myself, and had a friend lay down a similar spread, and this morning I did a past present future spread. The cards have told me many things, past pains, control, strength, love, insecurity, and a willingness to heal. A lot of what I got out of the cards I need to center to find the still place within myself and let go.
Now with all that, the one things that has been consistent is all 5 reading, is one card, the Queen of Wands, well she wasn't in the past present or future position of the spread I did this morning, but when I decided to pull another card, there she was smiling back at me.
Queen of Wands: Attractive Wholehearted Energetic Cheerful and self-assured
another description: she is a lovely country woman who is gracious and kind.
'In readings, the Queen of Wands asks you to think and feel as she does. For example: Do you feel attractive? Do you believe in yourself? Are you full of energy? Can you shake off the blues? Are you gung ho about life?'
Good question, am I, somewhere along the way I lost faith, faith in myself, what was at my core, who I was, and what I am capable of, and so I gave in to a preset condition of enduring, I'm good at enduring, I'm really good at enduring, going along with it, not rocking the boat, until I realize it doesn't work. I've felt the need to pretend most of to be something other most of my life. This post right here would assure my spot in Hades according to the belief of my grandparents. Being devote bible christians of the cult of judgemental christianity, the world is full of sinners, we feel better knowing we are loved by god, we will be saved. My parents are still very christian as well, and I try not to push the issue with my mother too much, and maybe oneday when I do have a conversation with my father prehaps I'll bring it up. Guess what Dad, your hypocritical practice of Christianity made me curious enough to explore other belief systems, some of it a bit of that new-age occult philosophy, much of it I find laughable now....many belief systems become quite laughable with enough perspective. Piers Anthony's Tarot trilogy stick out in my mind, a fictional story that follows through the suits of the major arcana, and proposes that tarot is the origin of playing card and was used to teach spiritual truths and hid their teaching from the Catholic Church which wanted to maintain dominance through keeping the population ignorant. Tarot and astrology where a part of that teenage rebellion against the belief system that was imposed on me, and has had an impact of me forming my own beliefs, something I'm still exploring. I'd had the fortune of being introduced to Joseph Campbell and comparative religion, myth, and also being intoduced to Taoism which is to be beautifully poetic.
Saturday, July 01, 2006
I'm so tired of playing
I can't mold this stage anymore
recognize me anymore
to tread this fantasy
openly
what have I done
oh this uncertianty is taken me over
It's all over.....yeah....over....
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