Paypal Test

Well here's a nice little link you can click if you want to pay me $20.00 to chant your name for 5 minutes, or whatever, it's just a test, but hey if you want to send me money, I'm not going to object.

Missing Butterrum

So, looks like my cat decided to run off last night, I was doing laundry and visiting with a neighbor, left the door open as I often do, she's quite good about knowing her boundries, but guess you can't rely on that. It just seems so strange, her to be gone, and I don't know if she's come back, but she's certianly not equipped to be an outdoor cat, being that the tendons on her front claws where sliced surgically, so that she would not be able to claw at much of anything. I have to say I can only imagine the verbal lashing I would receive from T found out. Obviously this represents a lack of responsiblity on my part, and yes I can understand that point of view. How am I going to take time to debate my perception of someone else's judgements, which could only really be my own, perceive, at this point. Appearently so, well I have to admit, I have been less attentive of the kitty, pushing her away, she's very demanding of attention at times. I just tend to take the, it's for the best, but then again there are raccoons out there, and if my poor kitty has been mauled to death, well it will be my fault. But I don't really think there is much I can do at this point. The irony is that the landlord had just posted a sign stating pets are allowed with a $100 deposit. After the just sorta blah Christmas, having my cat run, well was just as off as the rest of it. I spent time with my Mom, she was glad for the company, but I had to hear a lot of the same old from her, she's not happy where she's at, and any suggestion I offer seems to be not helpful. Saw Michael for a bit over at my mom's, as usual at Amanda's conveniece. I did get to speak with my sister Sarah, and here fragments of gossip about the others from my mom, I'm hardly quite sure what she's talking about anymore, It would be great if Sarah could move up here and look after her a bit. So my cat is missing, either she'll come back or she won't. Not really getting my hopes up at this point, I'll ask the neighbors what they saw when I get home, and see where it goes from there.

last night's dream

I was standing on the bridge over the river that run along Alton Baker park. The bridge was busy with foot traffic, and there she was, my summer girl, I was looking out over the river when she came up to me, I asked her how she had been, it has been a while, and she told me things where well, she informed be that her doctors had refered her to doctors in Mexico, that she and her boyfriend had to go down there for some tests. I held her hand briefly and she walked away, and I went back to staring out at the river.

Time again for the golden sunset

Well, running on sleep deprivation, caffination, agitation. Winter grumbles... I want to get out and see something other then the clutter of my apartment, and work...this freezing fog has exaggerated the perception of having two worlds, day time work day world, and the go home and distract myself from my woes world. Some day I really enjoy it, other are blatantly self destructive, staying up late, drinking in excess, not eating enough, or the right things. Things have been good though. Michelle is here, and it's great to see her, nice to have someone around that I know what to expect from, who is stable in her instability, I am sure that living with her in close quarters that we will irritate each other a bit, but we have this way just picking on each other a bit and then forgetting our irritations, I've lived with her before and that's why it worked, and the fact that she spends a number of nights a week out at her boyfriends house helps, a good understanding that I need my space, and so does she, now if she gets a job soon we can look at getting into a house. This past year has been unlike any other, it was rough, but not as rough as the year before. Ever since my grandparents past away, and I ended my relationship with T, I have been in a state of reevaluation, life, love, death, sex, family, self...and at time realizing a little to caught up in the self. Been working on my understanding of concepts of how people relate to each other in the community. I'm met many new people this past year and even the year before. My friend Amy, the hostess with the mostest, a lovely young lady who knows she and how to sparkle and tease, and maintain a levelheaded approach to life. We have had many sit down conversations, mostly she's been a real assest for a girls opinion. Also met some great people where I live my friend Alex, a composer/producer of experimental beats a musical genius, and a beautiful person, who I've seen struggle through some personal issues, and I have hopes that this coming year be better for him and his family. There has also been my troubled friendship with Dom, someone who has been there for me, to put me in my place, but a lot of our friendship has been a battle and as much as I love and respect as an artist and friend, we've struggled to show each other the respect that both of us deserve. One of the most wonderful things of things of this past year has been this girl who's name I will not mention, who company has brought me such peace and ease of mind, who's love was felt in every moment I was near here, who has also brought me heartache. We where involved for months before she revealed that she still loved another and was still involved with this other person, and finally I had to let go of something that felt so right but was not. I still miss her terribly and will think fondly of this last summer and the time we had, sometime you can help who you love, and it means more then just what comes easily. I also met my NinKas, Shanna, with whom I experience the meaning of reciprical, an intellectual beauty and natural sweetness of soul, my rodeo girl from up north, woo hoo. This year T, the ex finally proved that she's the biggest bitch that I ever hope to meet, what what I thinking, there's more to life then good sex, and it's certianly not worth having to bend over backwards for a control freak, that's for sure. Fuck compromising for anyone elses psychosis, mine will do fine thanks and move along. The good thing that came out of that relationship was making friends with some friends of hers who have greatly influenced me and show me love, and who's suggestion, reading material, and exposure to music has been overwhelming wonderful. This certianly has been the most social year of my life, I've met too many people to name, so of this good some of it trying, I've seen people get arrested outside my doorway, I've seen bands, played pool, taken photos, drawn, written, spent not nearly enough time with my son, too much time drinking, had some great converstation, and well lived. This last week it's been a lot of going out with Michelle, and getting a new experience of this town which is really starting to be my home. Freya introduced me to Dan who introduced me to TransMet, which I am really enjoying soaking up the bastard cynicism of Spider Jerusalem, a great anti-hero, in his search for the truth. Also my ex wife has decided to remarry, had the chance to give her my honest, yet respectful, opinion of her fiance, who is a nice guy, and my only concern was as hard as he trys he's a bit slow, then again that works for her. I thought about it today, and I know a lot of my friend question why I married Amanda, and I've given a few reasons, some less sincere then others, but she really has some qualities that I certianly respect, she fights hard for something when she thinks it's possible, and she can be very understanding and compassionate. She's tough, and so is my son, fortunately he's got his father's charm, and his mother's stubburnness, and he's a Leo. Well I guess this whole post ended up being a recap, where I'm at, end of the year stuff, there's more there always is, but it will be, and maybe I'll write about some of it....I've for quite some time, the end of the year in the term of the death of the old sun, and the new year bringing a new sun, with new opprotunities, I can only guess what they will be, I would like see some reintegration, projects and people coming together, some of my old friend meeting some of the newer ones, and a moving forward from some of the self imposed chains....all in good time.

more tales of the winter city

This town has been cover in a fog for weeks now, sun blocked from sight, and thin sheets of ice in patchs on the street. Meetings took place late in the evening in the bars and pool halls all over town. Bar stools and beer, pool shots pass, handshakes and smoke breaks, and it's all known, that the world is crumbling around us, and I can't say I'm the only one who say it coming. So I'm writing in my journal, and not even sure if I where to show anyone the word if they would be the same as the ones I wrote. My life has become grammaticly incorrect, I mutter to myself, as I take a healthy chug of cheap beer before walking over to the pool table to take my shot. I'm playing agaist a young jedi I recently met who's skill and knowledge of the table are quite impressive. We've taken the conversation of lucid dreaming and experiencing the silet sound that sings to us all. Freezing fog, and I'm calling for rain, tonight will be dedicated to rain songs, hopefully coming in with a warm from. There is recongnition is the faces of many that met on the streets of this fogged over city. And all the word I can concieve of to describe a monad of this experience of the winter city don't come close to the truth of it. But those faces know, they've seen, just as I have that as the days get shorter one day they will again get longer. They remember the summit over looking the valley below, the winding river that runs through this town, and how the speckles of light are reflected off the water on a glorious evening in June.

The work day

Another work day, here I am an hour into it, I've managed to spill half a cup of hot chia tea, hitting my elblow pretty hard in the process. 'Hello this is Zach, can I get your name, please?' Well, she had five accounts, I put a payment promise on three, and explain that an extension granted for may and june payments did not include a late charge amount. Well I've taken seven calls at an average of 4 minutes and 32 seconds a piece. That's calc (32 * 7 / 60) + (4 * 7) well a little over 30 minutes of the hour and 9 I've been here. Head it not quite clear, awake yet, I'll try some deep breathes and caffine. 'Hello this is Zach, can I get your name, please?' gv cs extn inf....shoot me my head hurts, more caffine. Ah, yeah that's right

>drink skin
You drink from a buffalo water skin.
You are not thirsty.
>eat pie
You are full.
'Hello this is Zach can I get your name please?' .....The amount that you would be responsible for is you return the vehicle is the total of your remaining payments, minus some unearned charges, rent charges, or administration fees' 'The amount what we would sell you the vehicle for is not the same at what the dealership would purchase the vehicle for which is based on an estimated auction value, whereas the amount you would pay to purchase the vehicle at this time is based on a residual value that was established on the contract plus the total of your remaining payments minus those unearned charges, now if you return the vehcile you will be responsible for any excess wear and mileage, and any open recalls would need to be completed before we can process the sale of the vehicle'
......more calls, dealers want qoutes...it's ot busy, but not slow enough perhaps to get my level on Castle Arcanum and write this at the same time, I'll hop over there and kill the drow master again, maybe get another 67 exp. Guess not. A thirty-one day extension instead. Then break. Alright I can't write any more, think I'll try to read for a bit.

As I was the wind and rains blows over me....

I was out for a walk, it was raining heavy and the wind was blustering. I was crossing an intersection just a few blocks from my house. I saw you coming towards me on the crosswalk and I let you pass. I had reached the other side of the street when I looked back and saw you looking back at me, I can't explain the rush of feeling I gave every effort to ignore. You gave me a look and made it clear that you wanted to talk. I walk back the way I had came to meet on the other side of the crosswalk, from there we walked over to a parking lot that was accross the street, you tried to make small talk, 'so how you been doing?' and my responses where brief, my feelings where push down deep. We stoped and you looked at me and told me 'you can't hold back how you feel, it will only hurt you' and as we hugged it all came out in my tears. Thank you for visiting my dreams.

restless dreaming....

After several month of not being able to recall much of my dreams. I think to some degree I've been avoiding dreaming, these last couple nights I've had some intense roaming dream images...Partially I believe they may have been induced by a decent amount of toxins flowing through my blood stream, the shot of Scotch, and what you could easily say is an excessive amount of PBR, the king of cheap beers. As I fell asleep I was first aware of being in my bed laying down with a beautiful face looking back at me, an angelic beauty who smiled at me softly, and I was washed over with a feeling that all was well in the world, and as if that was a waking moment I fell again into sleep inside this dream. The dreaming that followed consisted of Images of faces, people, places, much of it covered in snow, and much of the time I was wandering from place to place in at attempt to keep appointments, or catch up with people, partially there was a feeling that I had been left behind and was trying to catch up. The tone of the dream was the blue of the winter city at night. I remember meeting many different people in the dream. There was a point where I stopped in to listen to a concert of sorta funk/raegee/choir band, they had a maybe 20 people on stage, a lot of them just singing, there was a dj, and I don't remember was instrument, but they varied quite a bit. I remember having to leave because the music affected me, and I became uncomfortable and so I headed out bank into the cold, later I was trying to get back home and ran into a girl who was climbing some large stone steps that where as I was climbing down them, I failed to see her at first because I was very fascinated by the architecture of the building that was at the bottom of the steps. Any attempt to describe it would likely be misleading, describing architecture is something I really lack the linguistics for, but I can say it was not overly spectacular, not perhaps moreso the our local library, which is a very nice building. Well when I did notice the girl she turned to speak to me and we started talking. She was very elated that she was an actress, and she had just spent the last 3 nights performing in her first play. I asked her a bit about how that made her feel, and she continued to talk about it for a while. She also had 2 silver bottles that where rounded larger at the bottom and narrowing out at the top. She gave me one and we drank as she talked. After a time I told her I had to go and continued on my way. As some point I ended up with my ex girlfriend, who was on top of my and trying to coerce me into sex, on top of my grinding against me, I knew that she was trying to drain me and I could not allow this, she was a predator, fortunately I was able to flee when she was distracted by a knock at the door, and jump into a moment where the house was filled with visiting 'family', I has met these people earlier in dreaming in a brief daytime moment of passing they visiting from out of town. Well within moments they where pulling out all of the dishes and breaking them and screaming, so I was able to slip out, thankful for the distraction. There was more and I can't say I'm sure of the order of any of theses events mostly memory of dreaming comes in fragments. Well perhaps in nights to come I will continue to wander the twilight city.