Time again for the golden sunset

Well, running on sleep deprivation, caffination, agitation. Winter grumbles... I want to get out and see something other then the clutter of my apartment, and work...this freezing fog has exaggerated the perception of having two worlds, day time work day world, and the go home and distract myself from my woes world. Some day I really enjoy it, other are blatantly self destructive, staying up late, drinking in excess, not eating enough, or the right things. Things have been good though. Michelle is here, and it's great to see her, nice to have someone around that I know what to expect from, who is stable in her instability, I am sure that living with her in close quarters that we will irritate each other a bit, but we have this way just picking on each other a bit and then forgetting our irritations, I've lived with her before and that's why it worked, and the fact that she spends a number of nights a week out at her boyfriends house helps, a good understanding that I need my space, and so does she, now if she gets a job soon we can look at getting into a house. This past year has been unlike any other, it was rough, but not as rough as the year before. Ever since my grandparents past away, and I ended my relationship with T, I have been in a state of reevaluation, life, love, death, sex, family, self...and at time realizing a little to caught up in the self. Been working on my understanding of concepts of how people relate to each other in the community. I'm met many new people this past year and even the year before. My friend Amy, the hostess with the mostest, a lovely young lady who knows she and how to sparkle and tease, and maintain a levelheaded approach to life. We have had many sit down conversations, mostly she's been a real assest for a girls opinion. Also met some great people where I live my friend Alex, a composer/producer of experimental beats a musical genius, and a beautiful person, who I've seen struggle through some personal issues, and I have hopes that this coming year be better for him and his family. There has also been my troubled friendship with Dom, someone who has been there for me, to put me in my place, but a lot of our friendship has been a battle and as much as I love and respect as an artist and friend, we've struggled to show each other the respect that both of us deserve. One of the most wonderful things of things of this past year has been this girl who's name I will not mention, who company has brought me such peace and ease of mind, who's love was felt in every moment I was near here, who has also brought me heartache. We where involved for months before she revealed that she still loved another and was still involved with this other person, and finally I had to let go of something that felt so right but was not. I still miss her terribly and will think fondly of this last summer and the time we had, sometime you can help who you love, and it means more then just what comes easily. I also met my NinKas, Shanna, with whom I experience the meaning of reciprical, an intellectual beauty and natural sweetness of soul, my rodeo girl from up north, woo hoo. This year T, the ex finally proved that she's the biggest bitch that I ever hope to meet, what what I thinking, there's more to life then good sex, and it's certianly not worth having to bend over backwards for a control freak, that's for sure. Fuck compromising for anyone elses psychosis, mine will do fine thanks and move along. The good thing that came out of that relationship was making friends with some friends of hers who have greatly influenced me and show me love, and who's suggestion, reading material, and exposure to music has been overwhelming wonderful. This certianly has been the most social year of my life, I've met too many people to name, so of this good some of it trying, I've seen people get arrested outside my doorway, I've seen bands, played pool, taken photos, drawn, written, spent not nearly enough time with my son, too much time drinking, had some great converstation, and well lived. This last week it's been a lot of going out with Michelle, and getting a new experience of this town which is really starting to be my home. Freya introduced me to Dan who introduced me to TransMet, which I am really enjoying soaking up the bastard cynicism of Spider Jerusalem, a great anti-hero, in his search for the truth. Also my ex wife has decided to remarry, had the chance to give her my honest, yet respectful, opinion of her fiance, who is a nice guy, and my only concern was as hard as he trys he's a bit slow, then again that works for her. I thought about it today, and I know a lot of my friend question why I married Amanda, and I've given a few reasons, some less sincere then others, but she really has some qualities that I certianly respect, she fights hard for something when she thinks it's possible, and she can be very understanding and compassionate. She's tough, and so is my son, fortunately he's got his father's charm, and his mother's stubburnness, and he's a Leo. Well I guess this whole post ended up being a recap, where I'm at, end of the year stuff, there's more there always is, but it will be, and maybe I'll write about some of it....I've for quite some time, the end of the year in the term of the death of the old sun, and the new year bringing a new sun, with new opprotunities, I can only guess what they will be, I would like see some reintegration, projects and people coming together, some of my old friend meeting some of the newer ones, and a moving forward from some of the self imposed chains....all in good time.