where am I now?

Well at this point I can say that I am uncertian how to approach life, perhaps I spend to much like trying to decided on a method or avoid one altogether. Moments of clarity led me to the realization that I think to much of the world in terms of the human race, or the human condition, and seeing it as somewhat disfunctional. This mode of thought separates from the realization of the natural world, in which humans are a part, but our play is nothing compared the the beauty of the stage upon which is it carried out, from the savage brutality of it to the simple beauty, flowers for example, and in contract, what is the human drama compared to the magnitude of this, and we as much a part of it. I feel myself tugged back and forth like a pendulum, from persuit, activity and avid attention to life back to moment of doubt and time passing without real recollection or even interest. One week filled with quite walks and thoughts of life and the future, potentiality, and the next with what has come before defeats and failures. The future is as unknown as the recollections of the past are inconsistent. This never turn out quite how you expect them to. But where do I go from where, what it is I want for myself, I pretend to want nothing, that my needs are simple, or that I am not worthy of much more then the little bit of space I have left, my quiet cave....have I always lived like this, no in many ways this is more real then any previous incarnation. Perhaps I try to hard to seperate myself from my youth, as I struggle to find some piece of it, of me that is consistant, that has not remade itself. I started out on a quest for origin, and I have made many guesses about my nature...about my 'self' in all is variable forms....angles which even i cannot see or begin to imagine, so why do I play at this, if I unravel all the layers what is left, to realize that it is all a construct, a clever fiction, then why not play it for what it is...well back to work, because there is work to be done